I Guess It Was Kind Of My Fault As Well

You know the routine. I apologise for not blogging for a while. You express your anger and disappointment. You say this is the last time and you will be leaving for good this time. I give you the old wink and smile and watch you slowly become putty in my hands. You reluctantly give into me and make me promise I won't make you wait so long anymore. I promise but I secretly have my fingers crossed behind my back. So lets skip all that today and just get to what I have on my mind since that's what you're here for.


While I was catching up on the few debate/discussion pages I am fan of on Facebook I came across something very interesting. I detest the mass numbers of newly made 'Facebook philosopher's' opinions I have to read on a daily basis but once in a while you come across someone who actually has a good critique of social behaviour that it makes me want to stand and clap in front of my laptop screen. Also because I have been struggling with ideas for posts at the moment this was great inspiration. The discussion had to do with the supposed problem between black men and women having successful relationships.

"Among other things, the problem is the psychopathic game of impression management that's played between the genders. Everybody presents themselves as either flawless or flawed-less. Every failed relationship they've ever had is always because of the other person. Very few people own up to their own personal role in damaged relationships. And when people in front of us present themselves in this way, we usually take it as "wow, this person is quite a catch". We don't realize that we're the next contestant and predesignated winner of the "it's all your fault" competition."


This short but amazing passage really struck a chord within me because I was so guilty of this same kind of impression management that it made me extremely embarrassed. Humans are beings that will always try to exonerate themselves of blame or fault when it comes to any given situation, especially relationships. It's very hard for a person to raise their hand and admit when something was their fault. I mean it's blindingly obvious why people don't, especially when it comes to relationships. We all seem to ride the excuse bandwagon from time to time. How seriously would you take someone who openly admitted to their defects and mistakes when it came to their previous engagements with the opposite sex? The thing is, aside from the obviously psychotic, people who do this honestly should be commended. Doing such a thing shows development and acknowledgement of prior mistakes with the intent of correcting them. Long gone are the days when I used to portray myself as almost perfect, my track record with females renders that implausible. I always say that the first thing that would cross my mind if I met a seemingly amazing female who was single would not be "wow I'm so lucky" but "What are you hiding from me? Because someone so amazing can't possibly be single for no reason, she must be crazy." Unfortunately I failed to look at my self in the same cynical light. I'm not crazy or anything but I have my fair share of flaws that have led to the dissolution of a few relationships.

 So because I love my blog and I keep no secrets from her; here is a list of some of my flaws that have led to my repeated failures in relationships. Yes I'm going to be brave and raise my hand up.




My emotional unavailability. This is probably my biggest flaw. I don't know why but I have a problem accessing and thus expressing my emotions. I find it even harder to provide emotional support for people. I am not the person to come to if you need some consolation or pity. Unfortunately most females need this emotional support for any potential relationship to blossom, so you see my dilemma. But the females I encounter are happy at first to wait for the emotional and settle for the physical as a temporary substitute. But like my youth spent waiting for Santa... it never comes. I portray myself to be an open book but I have recently admitted to myself that I'm never really open when it counts. I guess certain females that walked away from me figured this out before I did.

My sometimes hectic schedule. My life switches between being slow a serene to fast and hectic without a moments notice. For this reason I often find it hard to squeeze females I am seeing into my weekly plans. I have a clear set of priorities and I am not known to clear my schedule just to see someone, I would already have to be free which is difficult because I am rarely given advance warning when I need to travel somewhere. I guess if I had to sum up it would be my inability to be flexible. Being honest, in my list of priorities females are not at the top of it. Neither are they in the middle.


My laid back attitudes when it comes to argumentsSupposedly getting angry shows you care? Anyway, my laissez faire attitude has led to many less than amicable relationship terminations.



My close female friends. I seem to friend zone females very easily (Yes, guys can do the friend zone thing as well) just to save everyone some trouble. Out of these I have come to acquire some of my closest and most trusted confidantes. Somehow some females become confused when they see I have numerous relationships with females that are purely platonic and they start becoming a little paranoid. My female friends are also impossibly hard to please and any choice I make on a potential partner is never the right one. Where I messed up was explicitly telling potentials that there was a hierarchy and for the foreseeable future my female friends in most situations would come before them. Next time I know just to keep my mouth shut and deal with things on an individual basis rather than indirectly make a female think she has no chance in ever getting close to me.




I'm kind of a Freudian. I have often been criticised for over thinking situations. Due to my psychological background and high level of education I can't help but look at things from angles people wouldn't realise to think from. Sometimes I can't help but psychoanalyse someone. I often get carried away and create situations for no reason.


My reluctance to give in to unreasonable demands. I often see my friends in their relationships  give into to the silliest of demands all in the name of "compromise".  My friend Eric had something to say about this word. I agree it is an essential part of any relationship but there is a difference between compromise and giving into neurotic insecurities. I strongly believe that any silly behaviour that isn't immediately discouraged is encouraged. Before you know it you would have stopped talking to all your friends just because your partner asked you too. Nonsense.
Unfortunately I am a firm advocate of "it's either my way or the highway..." it is the one area I can honestly say I am a control freak.

I'm not the "Break up, make up" type. This is pretty self explanatory. I'm more of a "You only get one chance" type of guy. There is a word associated with a couple that everyone else can see should just call it quits - Weaklings. And I'll be damned if I ever become such a person. Unfortunately I could have potentially lost out on some great relationships just because of my stubborn refusal to fight for a female.



That's it for now. Can't be bothered to look at myself in such a critical light any longer. I urge all my readers to "raise their hands" and admit to the things they had done that led to certain relationships never working out. Obviously you don't have to do it in such a public way of course.


Sidenote: For the purposes of this post the term "relationship" has been used very loosely to describe any interaction I have had with a female that started with the desire to get to know each other and hoped it would lead to something more. I have no problem meeting females, it just never gets to the actual relationship stage. I don't want you guys thinking I'm one of those insecure serial daters who is afraid to be alone. I have only ever been in one proper relationship and the less said about that the better.

Peace out.

The Experiment: Concluded

This post is long overdue.

I was supposed to write three posts detailing my thoughts and feelings after the failure of my experiment. I put it off for a long time because the first "denial" post was just nonsense. It was incoherent and pointless. But I just could not articulate how I felt. And I still can't.

As a writer (can I really call myself that?) it infuriates me when I can't take my feelings and thoughts and transfer them to a physical/digital medium exactly how I want them to. So for that reason I decided not to bother writing the "Acceptance?" and "Relapse" posts I had planned.

It has been difficult. Letting someone go is not always as easy as I make it seem. I had to admit to myself I needed to actually get over "my experiment". It wasn't love, far from it. But it was the role she fulfilled that I miss the most. A vessel which I could use when my own body could not take any more of my own fears, opinions. feelings, frustrations, creativity, anger etc. I am not lying when I say that most of the time this is all over flowing within me. Eventually it all became too much for her. Understandable

I go through all the stages every week. But like they say time is a healer but damn is it slow. And because none of my friends have been available for me to have a proper talk about this, my blog is the only way I can really work through my feelings. Guess I need better friends. But I'm sure it's just me.


Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry if this didn't make sense. My creativity is abstract.

Wishing successful experiments to all my readers.

Admitting You're Not The Finshed Article

Almost a whole month without a post is truly disgusting and I sincerely apologise. But between working full time, going gym, coaching and playing American football I have no time left. I barely sleep anymore. But they say good things come to those to wait.

This blog topic has been on my mind for a while now. Thinking back to my younger days sometimes I kind of get blown away by how much my whole way of thinking has changed. As a teenager you could not tell me anything. That is no understatement. I was opinionated, hard headed, arrogant and always thought I was right. Some of you comedians will think "well whats changed?" and you guys can go hang yourselves. Moving on. . . needless to say I thought I was perfect. A delusion I have since cured myself of but I have seen it permeate into wider society as of late. I think its a necessary stage of development that a lot of young people have a sense of entitlement, grandeur and infallibility. But in my opinion, if this is still the same issue when someone is 21+ then there is a real problem. It should be obvious that being a young adult there is still a lot of growing to do. Unless certain people are seriously trying to tell me they got it right first time round? I've observed that some people absolutely refuse to look at themselves in a critical light. I'm sure these people would stop short of calling themselves perfect but if you'r explicitly saying there is nothing wrong with you, then implicitly you're saying what?

I know I've got a long way to go in life and this current version of me will probably unrecognisable to the me in 20 or so years. Life is all about developing and progressing. How you see certain things now doesn't mean that's how it should be forever. It is a lot like the theory of falsifiability. People just have to admit that they could be wrong and use it as a stepping stone to develop themselves.

I know a few people will think "well you can never be the finished article!" which maybe true, but I'd rather get as close to it as I possibly can than being a stagnant human being. And to me there is no way you can be the finished article in your early twenties.

Whenever I read or hear about relationship drama and the opposite sex is always asking where a good man is I'm quick to say "I'M HERE!" I'm sure I am not the only one, we all think we're great people. But sometimes we're not as great as we may think. I'm not saying I'm a bad guy, just that I admit that to be a truly good man I have someway to go. So I admit right now I'm not the finshed article, but one day soon enough I will be.

So to my readers: Can you admit to yourself that you're not the finished article?

Starting All Over Again...

"My mistake was thinking we could pick up where we left off. When I should have realized that we in fact needed to start from the beginning again."

After a night of reflection on my friendships the above quotation was the conclusion I came too when trying to find out why some friendships just did not feel right to me. In this particular instance I'm referring to close friends who, for whatever reason, ceased being close friends but after an indefinite amount of time a reconciliation was reached and you continue on in your friendship.

I have had a lot of these reconciliations.

I make no excuses. I am an extremely difficult person to get along with. This is not the case if we have a professional relationship or are simply acquaintances. But for anyone who I deem worthy enough to enter my inner circle you will undoubtedly see sides of me other people would not- this is true for the majority of people. Unfortunately in my younger days I saw any person I had inducted into my inner circle not valuing the fact that it was, in my eyes, an esteemed position akin to committing the highest treason. It was betrayal. In hindsight I may have been a little bit dramatic. This led to a high turnover of friends being lost, especially with females.

After a period of time some of these friends and I would reconcile. Sometimes it would take a few weeks, sometimes a few months and in some cases a few years. Like I said I'm difficult. But after we had 'made up' things inevitably were not the same. An old friend once told me that after a serious argument between two close friends occurs things can never be the same again. They can either use the experience to become closer and therefore better friends or use the argument as an excuse for the friendship to deteriorate. There are no other alternatives and personally I think she is right Now when you factor in a period of separation things become slightly different. Without realising how naive I was being, I simply behaved as though me and a friend I had reconciled with would just pick up where we left off. Big mistake. Sometimes I was guilty of this gross misconduct and other times it was the friend who was guilty.

Any sensible person after a period of time away from someone should have grown in some way. Whether it be physically, intellectually, spiritually or in any other area, something has to have changed. I now take it as an insult if anyone I haven't seen in a while says I am still exactly the same. It either means I have not progressed or the person is not able to see the change that has been undertaken. So when I felt an eventual 'uneasiness' around a reconciled friend, this was the cause. People change. Or at least they should change, I know a few people who would give Peter Pan a run for his money. The parameters on which you first form a relationship with someone cannot be the same when both parties lose contact and eventually reconcile. Its difficult but a reconciled friend has to be approached in the same way you would deal with an almost totally new person entering your life. That is not to say you won't already have access to information a new friend would not have the pleasure of knowing but it should be understood that this information will no doubt need to be updated.

I know it sounds long, especially when you think you already know the person. But I can say I have a fair number of old friends who I reconciled with but eventually lost contact with again because things were not the same. Its just that back then I was oblivious as to the reason why.

If good friends happen to make their way back into your life, don't miss out on the second chance just because you fail too see its not as simple as just picking up where you left off. You kinda have to start all over again.

Good friendships to all.

11 Songs That Will Definitely Make You Fall Into A Downward Spiral Of Depression If Kept On Repeat After A Breakup

I love music, I love it, I love it, I love it. Doesn't matter what genre it is, as long as I like it thats all that matters which is why I was heavily into Empire of The Sun last year. But this isn't about my love of music and what it means to me, although I'm sure that post is coming soon. Now because I love music so much it is constantly playing in my room so when my zombie of a phone does actually ring I'm usually met with the callous utterance "Can you turn down your music please! Gosh your such a freak." Don't these people understand that when I'm told to turn down MY music it is akin to asking me to stab myself in the heart? I DON'T CARE IF IT IS LOUD, I LOVE IT! In secondary school I used to flip out like the guy in 'There's Something About Mary' whenever anyone even came near to my headphones. People had to first get my attention and then have my permission to carefully remove my headphones, say what they needed to say, and then carefully slot them back into my ears. That's how seriously I took music. Anti-social I know but I had serious issues as a teenager and music was my only form of escapism.

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. Recently I have noticed a trend when I'm on the phone to my friends and they say "Why are you playing that song? It sounds so depressing. Long gone are the days (16/TONYA- if you don't know read my old posts) when I listened to music and it got me depressed over someone that I couldn't have. But I'll take inspiration for me to share music to the world in whatever form it may come. So here are 10 songs that if left on repeat will leave you in a deranged state after you have just been broken up with...

1) Brian McKnight - Anytime




2) Kem - I Can't Stop Loving You




3) Eric Roberson - Pen Just Cries Away




4) Usher - You Got It Bad




5) Daft Punk - Something About Us




6) Floetry - Hey You




7) Erykah Badu - Green Eyes




8) Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love




9) Jill Scott - Cross My Mind




10) Andre 3000 - She Lives In My Lap




11) Musiq - Halfcrazy



12) Ok I lied there is one last song guaranteed to tip you over the edge to insanity, but its not a definitive song I can simply place in this list. The last song is "your song". Whatever song which belonged to you and the person you split from, you know "your song". For me it used to be Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning and that's not even a depressing song...and that's the point. Nothing can bring forth stronger memories or emotions than this last song. So be careful, I don't need to be the catalyst for people being institutionalised. Although these songs are depressing and do put you into a kind of melancholy state I truly believe that songs like these also help you to heal. Through all the pain, regardless of whether you acknowledge it or not, you are simultaneously healing.

C'est la vie.

The Experiment

Over the last two years I have had many encounters with the opposite sex and the majority of them have always ended the same. The female in question after a period of time would always express her dissatisfaction about how little she really knew about me. That is not to say she knew nothing at all but there was very little she knew past the superficial. All this was very intentional and I never let any female get to know me past a certain point. Most likely this was just to protect myself. This ultimately led to the female becoming disillusioned and dissolving the promising relationship. Which never really bothered me because I never really cared. So after having this same conversation numerous times with numerous females over the last two years I kinda got a little pissed off. What did these females really want me? If you know me; you know I am not the bastion for the purity of relationships. I am firmly grounded in reality and past the glaringly obvious; I still do not see what real purpose relationships serve. But I've already blogged about that.

After having a string of debates about my "relationship practices" my defence was that I always felt that if I ever really opened up to a female she wouldn't be able to handle the real me. This was my defence and I stood by it. A lot of people can barely handle me as it is so what would happen if I revealed every facet of my complicated psyche to a solitary female? I gathered that it would just lead to a whole bunch of problems which I wasn't prepared to deal with. But this was based on nothing but assumption. The prosecution (my friends) rightly countered by arguing that before I come to such a conclusion that maybe I should actually take a chance and open up to someone and see if they truly can handle me, instead of deciding for them that they can't without even giving them an adequate chance. My immediate reaction that this was nothing short of blasphemy in the court of 'me'. Back then I thought it was a ludicrous idea - just shows how much more growing I have to do, which is a lot.

But my defence was slowly chipped away at and I was left with a single question to face:

"How long are you going to keep doing the same experiment but still keep expecting the result to somehow be different?"

Seriously, what was I expecting?
For Einstein this was the very definition of madness and I ain't trying to be mad out here. So I decided to proceed onto a different experiment - to finally let a female get to know the real me, with the outcome hopefully leading to an exclusive committed adult sexual relationship. All that I needed was a willing test subject.

The experiment lasted approximately seven months. To put it simply it failed. My assumptions were confirmed. But positives can be taken from it. My methodology needs a bit of tweaking but I'm not going to use the findings of this single experiment as justification to revert to the old me. But failure is still a kick in the teeth.

The following posts will be me trying to deal with this failure. . .

When it comes to dealing with friends

When I first envisioned writing a blog; it wasn't only for me to fulfil some narcissistic need for a wider range of people to read and agree with my somewhat controversial views. There was actually another reason. I wanted those among you who I call my friends to have an insight into my somewhat twisted mind and hopefully for you to understand me a little bit better. For you to take a walk through my world.


Friends? when it comes to them I'm just not sure - making them, finding them, losing them, letting go of them etc. are things I have done throughout my lifetime but I still find the whole routine kind of..................troublesome. (I'm adopting the Shikamaru way of life).

It's safe to say I have always had a lot of friends, as is true to say I have always "lost" a lot of "friends". From a young age I have always been a loner and this has never changed. Although I may be seen with a group of people from time to time and engage in activities with them, I have always been and forever will be a loner. There is nothing wrong with this and trust me it doesn't sadden me in the slightest- I have always had the necessary social skills to make friends but I have always been comfortable with just being on my own. It is for this very reason that although I may have numerous circles of friends but when it boils down to it I will always return to me, myself and I.

I guess it would be for this reason that I have kinda come to be known as someone "who does not care for his friends". Which I feel is a bit misconstrued. I have no problem making friends, its maintaining friendships that I have yet to properly master.

I am a man of zero tolerance and stupidness is the one thing I have no time for in my life. All my friends that have gotten to know me on a deeper level know that if the day should ever arise when we need to part ways then I will not hesitate to dissolve a friendship. I have gotten to the age where I feel I can only surround myself with like minded people and people who will only help me on my way to becoming successful. It is for this reason that I decided to trim my "acquaintance bush" and effectively cut 1/3 of the people I knew out of my life. This was not done in any spiteful way but it was done out of necessity. In every person's life there will be people you know that fulfil no particular purpose - I ask you what are these people adding to your life?

I went on a kind of "friend detox" (This is in reference to a video that was circulated on Facebook by a very smart young woman) a few months ago and had the aim of reducing my Facebook friends from 400+ down to 150. Now I did know most of the people on my facebook but still, I did not have daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly contact with most of the people on my friends list, so what role were they filling? Simply that of being excess and cluttering my home page with useless status updates. I eventually got my number of friends down to about 170 which was the number I was left with when I felt that the people left deserved to be part of those lucky few that had earned the title of my friend.

Now I did this well before the video about it was released and I ask all my readers to evaluate the people in your life and what role they are occupying and if they deserve it. NOW, people deleting people of their friends list has now turned into a bit of hype with people thinking they are more important and "beautiful" than they actually are which has led to me being deleted from a few people's friends lists. I cannot fault them for this however, because if they had come to the realisation that I did not occupy any significant role in their life or I had been slacking when it came to my friendship services than they had no alternative but to cut me out of their life.

Although there is one person who deleted me that I was kinda shocked about and if I can muster up enough "give a damn molecules" in my body then I will be contacting them soon to try and find out what the actual problem is.

As a friend I will do my best to make sure you are always centred and stay on track. I will question all your beliefs and push you to question everything. I will be there for you when it is needed and will always be on hand to assist you in whatever way I can. This is a basic service I extend to all my close friends and I expect them to return this service. So when it comes to ultimately locking off friends; it is not a problem for me because if they are not fulfilling these basic services then I simply do not care for them. I'd like to think it keeps all my friends on their toes knowing that any random act of stupidness can result in a swift locking off.

It is not that I don't care for my friends enough because that is simply not true. It is just that I can care for no one as much as I do for myself and my own well being. So when it comes to making tough decisions it makes it that much easier knowing that stupid people only bring you down in life and it is your personal responsibility to cut these people out - and nowhere is this life tool more important when it comes to identifying the people in your network of friends that are the stupid ones.

So even though I make more friends everyday I intend to keep all of you on your toes and believe me when I say I wouldn't think once let alone twice about locking any of you off in an instant. But until you do something stupid enough for me to do something that drastic I care for you all. Because when it comes down to it even if I get rid of all my friend circles, there is one circle that will permanently remain- Me, Myself and I.