Is Talking About Sex Still Taboo?

One thing I find very odd in such a liberal country with such highly sexualised young people is the inability to REALLY open up about sex. I don't simply mean talking about the act because we all know people who brag about how much play the get, but the deeper and more meaningful things and problems that comes bundled with.

When I catch up with people after enquiring about their health, friends, family, relationships, goals etc. Naturally I start questioning them on their sex life. I believe having a healthy sex life is paramount to having a healthy mental state. In the beginning I was always met with gasps of embarrassment and I wondered, Kini big deal?(What's the big deal? for all my non- Nigerians) But after whomever I was speaking too had gotten over their primary inhibition they would then open up like nobodies business. Like seriously, I couldn't get them too shutup.

I just think its weird I keep hearing:

"You're the only one I can talk too about things like this."

Seriously? People its 2010! What's there to be afraid of? If you have had the pleasure of attending one of my impromptu sex "seminars" then you know I am not afraid to talk about sex. Asking questions does not make you a hoe or a bunje (Thank you Rets for that word,) I see plenty of people clamouring for relationship advice but barely anyone looking for sexual advice? Are we all sexual professionals who don't need any help? I know people have anxieties, fears, questions etc. but it seems people like to front. I have theorized that in our "urban" sub-culture there is a particular sexual behavioural cannon in which we are afraid to venture beyond. If you display a curiosity or preference which is outside this cannon then you are seen as some sort deviant. (This is true of wider society as a whole but for the purposes of this post I'm just dealing with my generation and the environment we operate within). And the proprietors to this are usually the least mature,least intellectual and extremely obtuse individuals among us. But yet they serve as judges when it comes to what is sexually acceptable. This why such terms such as "bow cat" are still propagated today.

Lets be real fellas. The majority of us have suffered from performance anxiety. We have not been able to keep it up for hours as we're expected too. We're a little prone to cumming a little quicker than we would like. We're afraid to ask our partners to incorporate something new into the bedroom or we might feel we don't quite meet the grade when it comes to the "bulge in your boxers" department. I understand a lot of us are not mature enough to allow a forum for people to ask such questions but its time for a change.

Lets be real ladies. A lot of you are probably self conscious about your bodies, you might not feel as experienced as your partner. You are probably afraid of giving "head" or you're not too confident in your "riding" skills. I meet too many of you that are even afraid to acknowledge you have masturbated. Like someone once told me, "...be wary of anyone who vehemently denies that they masturbate."

I am proud to be many of my friends sexual confidante. I am always on hand to give advice, tips or just being the available owner of ears that will listen with an open mind without any judgement. This is not to say I am some kind of sexual guru or anything but I like to think I'm well informed enough to be adult about sex. I am only 22 and although I have been having sex for a number of years now I can honestly say I have only really started to understand what sex really is over last year or so. (Hopefully my mum will never read this blog). It's abundantly clear from the stuff that I have heard, that many people just do not know what they are doing and get bad advice from equally less knowledgeable people. I've realised as soon as you make people feel comfortable about what they are curious about they gain a new found confidence, instead of labelling them as a deviant. Besides I meet way too many females who say they have been "licked out" but I have never met a guy who has admitted to doing it. The numbers don't add up people - be real. Don't act like you've never been curious when it comes to giving "head" to a male or female.

So what I'm really saying is to not be afraid to ask about anything when it comes to sex. I guess you just need to find someone who is adult enough to talk about it with. I'm sure all the people I have given tips too have been satisfied with what I have shared with them. You'd be surprised how many people think they are having great sex when it is merely adequate at best.

What's there to be scared of? As long as you have a caring and understanding partner who is not afraid to explore and experiment when it comes to sex then who cares what anybody else thinks.

Disclaimer: This was not intended as a piece of empowerment literature for females who are a little too liberal when it comes to opening their legs or the guys whose life goal is to reach the glorious "I've slept with 1000 females" mark. If you are one of these people please disregard everything I have written. This is purely for the people who want to be mature and open minded when it comes to sex and build upon it. It is one of my goals to improve the quality of the "sex pool" for everyone.

Wishing great sex lives to all my readers.

(Especially Jodie aka Jay Emty because I know she is my biggest fan).

DAYUUUM.....Maxwell and Kerry

So I'm sitting here on holiday just relaxing watching my favourite channel - VH1 Soul (Seriously they need this back home) and the new Maxwell video comes on.

Now I knew Maxwell knew what being sexy was but after seeing this video he seriously took it to another level. Now I'm a big Maxwell fan and I am so glad he has finally returned. I have heard nothing but good things about his new album 'Black Summers' Night' and along with another 50 other albums I have missed out on from my other favourite neo-soul artists and I need to hurry up and listen to it properly.

Now usually when I am with a female I like and I want to set the mood I play a specific playlist and the first song is always Maxwell - Til' The Cops Come Knocking. But after seeing this video I think this song will have to take the top spot.

The video is just too SEXY. You'll understand when you watch it. I mean I want to marry Kerry Washington right now. Who knew she had it in her?


So here it is, Maxwell - Bad Habits

Sexual Injustice

I can't exactly remember why I wanted to do a post about this particular issue, but what I can remember is that I felt very passionately about it. I feel that when it comes to all things S.E.X things are unfairly weighted too much in the females favour. This post is supposed to get your neurons firing...................................anyway let me start like this:


Man Dem - You know how it is when you've been talking to a female for a while and things are going smoothly. She's pretty, intellectual, got a banging body etc basically she ticks all the boxes. You've spent plenty of contract minutes talking late into the early hours of the morning about life, goals likes and dislikes and obviously sex. Now because we're a generation of horny fools the more you speak to her the more the more it seems that the topic of conversation turns to the bedroom. Now because you wanna put across the best version of you as possible, no doubt you start telling her "how great your sex game is", or "you won't be able to handle me" blah blah blah.

So the night finally comes when she gets too see what you're really made of. I mean you've done one, two things but she hasn't allowed you to go all the way because she's one of those girls. So as things begin to warm up, you start to kiss, you begin to undress her while making your way to the bedroom. The pressure begins to mount in more ways than one. You suddenly remember that this will be your first "session" together and you've been there talking shit for weeks. You suddenly realise that you will need to bring your A game to make a good impression just so you have another opportunity for future "sessions". All manner of things start going through your mind but now you know its time to perform.

I'll leave it up to you to determine how this situation might end, but hopefully I have painted a picture to illustrate my argument.

My main aim is to highlight the huge discrepency between the number of things women and men can be judged on when it comes to sex. Many conversations with both sexes has led me to conclude that women simply have it a lot easier than men when it comes to performing at sex - and it is safe to say a good number of females don't perform at all.

Lets put this all into perspective

What guys are expected to have:

• The body of an Adonis/Sex God
• Experience - but not so much as to raise any eyebrows
  
• Stamina of machine
  
• Be "well endowed"
• Now how to use this endowment, very well
• Need to know exactly what to say at exactly the right time
• Need to know how to handle a female's body
• Should automatically know a female's body but also....
  
• Need to know how to take instruction (only WOMEN are real enough to give instruction if needed)
• Need to be assertive and take charge
• Ready to go whenever, wherever
• Have the moves of a porn star
• Need to be gentle and rough at the same time
• Have patience
• And many more things I can't think of at the moment
  

(This is just a generalisation and not all of these things need to be present for sex to be granted - but I'm sure you're starting to get the picture)

What girls are expected to have:

• A vagina
• Open their legs once a while to allow access to this vagina

I'm sorry ladies but you have it too easy. I wonder if females suffer from the same performance anxiety that guys do? I mean I understand when females do open their legs it is a privilege and not a right, and all guys should be grateful when allowed to "invade" a female. But what really gets me is that just because females allow men to into them that this gives them some statutory right to be judge, jury and executioner on a guy's self esteem.

Females are known for being notoriously hard to please and shows like Sex and the City and Girlfriends have only exacerbated this problem. You see when females say how they wish guys could experience what it is like to go a through a period, well I wish there was a way for females to experience sex from a guy's point of view. It is not easy to please you women..........

It is no secret that females like to talk, with a partner's sexual performance being a popular topic for discussion. After an occasion where the guy has "failed to perform" a female will group together her female friends and have a sexual performance tribunal and proceed to expose every sordid detail there is about her partner and the inadequacy of his game. I guarantee that at least 35% of guys have a boy who know of the details of a tribunal when they were the guy in question and do not have the heart to tell him because the criticism was so fierce and sweeping it would lead to the utter destruction of their confidence.

Now why do I think this is unfair.

It is only through the media and social conditioning that we place so much importance on having the most fantastic sex life. I am not saying it is not important just that the level of importance we place upon it is too great. Especially being a Black male there a certain stereotypes that are attributed to me and my fellow brothers and are expected to live up to to fulfil female fantasies. This is partly due to post colonial perceptions of Black slave sexuality that these stereotypes exist and have become prevalent in our highly sexualised culture, but you guys can research that yourselves.

But even more hypocritically are the females that themselves fail to perform sexually but still are highly critical of their partner for not performing. On the many discussions I have had with my boys on this matter I cannot tell you how many of them have said "Blud, she was so dead. All she did was lay there. I was basically having sex with myself and she was just along for the ride".


Why should females that just lay there and do nothing be allowed to get away with such an injustice?

I too have had partners that have not contributed at all when it comes to having sex- leaving me to do all the work. I recount a former partner who I was involved me telling me about her previous partner. The criticism was harsh to say the least: "He was crap", "He buss too quick", "His stroke was whack". But I wondered how much of this was down to the guy just not bothered to try anymore because this female was one of the laziest people I ever had the displeasure of being involved with. She literally just laid there, doing nothing. She could not continue at my pace when the sex exceeded 20 minutes, she never got on top or did anything to make the experience more enjoyable. But yet she was so scathing of her ex. Maybe she was just venting and wanted to spite him for some other transgression so decided to hit him where it hurts. Who knows?

I'm not trying to make excuses, but every guys knows that not performing the first time you finally get to "engage" with a girl will almost more than likely lead to access being denied in the future. I mean we cannot perform all the time to these unreasonable levels. If we're being honest guys I'm sure we can all admit to times when our mind was willing but our bodies had their own agendas. We all have that time when you "arrive a little too early" or "you can't keep it up". I mean even I will admit to these things happening to me sometimes, as many times as I would like to be Superman there are times when my body would rather me being Clark Kent and I have no say about the matter. I'm sure most guys have that female that when it came time to get down and dirty with they couldn't perform no matter how much they tried. I can only theorize that certain people are sexually incompatible with others and their bodies had decided that they were not going to "connect" no matter how much either party wanted them to.

Like Katt Williams put it- "Your dick is ready to betray you at a moments notice".

So for that reason and because we are trying to create a world of equality I am now thinking of ways in which man dem can rate/judge their sexual partners just as harsh as the females do of us. I'll let you know how it goes- I'm looking to destroy some female self esteem out ere. LOL.





N.B. This post was not written out of anger because I somehow found out a female had made fun of my game. This post was simply to highlight this sexual injustice after many conversations with males and females alike. Its just time to make things fairer.