Random yet very revealing thoughts

Hey People,

So just to update you I am currently in Orlando as another stop on my seemingly never ending holiday, although it will be coming to an end real soon. My very generous uncle decided to fly me out here so I could spend some time with him and his family as a graduation present. I finally got to meet my baby cousin who turned one on the weekend and accompanied her to her 1st birthday party. She is actually adorable and will post some pics of her when I transfer the pics to my laptop. The weather is fantastic I must add, I am not used to 30+ degree weather in October. I am still just relaxing and living the life.

But after such a relaxing afternoon I was left alone with my thoughts again and came to a few more realizations.

I am exactly where I expected to be right now. In my obscure life plan I always wanted to graduate when I was 21 and that's really as far as it went. I mean I am not employed or anything but I have never known what I have wanted to do with my life. But after talking to numerous people I have decided that I cannot have a job, I want a career. And in order for that to happen I need to incorporate one or a mixture of my passions in a way where it allows me to earn money. I refuse to get comfortable in a job that I got just because I needed a monthly wage in an area I don't love. I fear that if this does happen then I'll wake up one day when I'm a 30 something male with a wife and two kids wondering where the hell my life went, still in the same unnamed job with no prospects and earning a slightly higher monthly wage. I assume this how most people would have felt sometime during their lives. But the majority still fall into the same trap of getting a job that is only supposed to be momentary, you know pay the bills until you can make your dreams come true sort of thing, but still end up getting comfortable and somehow their dreams get pushed to the backseat when they should be riding shotgun. So I REFUSE to allow this to happen to me. Not the whole getting a job to support myself in the meantime (because Royal Mail here I come) but never forgetting that it is not something I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

So for that reason I have decided something. I am not going to say because (I hope) a couple of my friends read my blog and it essentially kind of impacts them so I am not willing to divulge the information just yet but just letting you know I am in the process of planning something which will have a huge impact on my future.

I have sacrificed for so long now I wonder if it is now okay to stop. I sacrificed my own misconceived rebellious ambitions to please a mother who I love deeply but is never satisfied. I sacrificed my social life to complete my degree. I sacrificed my going shopping and spoiling myself rule for a year and a half just to get the perfect house for my last year of Uni. I sacrificed my own financial security to keep a girlfriend happy who really didn't deserve it. I sacrificed not doing what I really wanted to do 5 years ago to keep my family together after the wake of a tragic and unexpected death. I am not complaining, don't get me wrong, all of these sacrifices lead to positive outcomes in the end, but I have been sacrificing for so long now, especially when it comes to my family that I feel if I carry on it will be eating into life dreams. I do not even know if it is time to stop. I guess I would feel kind of guilty to just start focusing on myself but then again I feel like enough is enough. It is time for me to really start thinking about me and only me.

I am slowly being turned from a PC into a Mac person. They are actually superior to any PC I have used. They still have faults, like the keyboard for instance, but overall they are winning me over.

I realize I have many people that get parts of me, but not me as a whole. Maybe this is the reason I cannot build lasting meaningful relationships. I feel like for this to happen then someone would need to understand the many parts of myself that make up me. I do take responsibility that I can be closed at times but this is just because I feel I haven't met anyone that could handle all of me, but hey how can I know if I don't at least give them a try right? This is not to alienate the people that do get parts of me though. Just want to give a shoutout to my cousin Tinu and my friends Izzy & Shree who I feel truly understand my love for music and the wide ranging affects it has in other areas of my life. Also, I want to give a shoutout to Izzy & Shree again as well as my friend Nadia who all understand that sometimes you have to abandon politically correct behaviour and just be blunt even if it means coming across a little rude. Shouout to Gabrielle who understands that sometimes the best way to deal with people is just not to deal with them at all and can you PLEASE start blogging again. To my many friends who understand my passion for sports, you all make me a better athlete and analyst. But when I find a woman who can understand all my various sides and passions then I just might give this relationship thing a go.

With all the pressure coming from my family recently imploring me to start thinking about settling down and having children - I simply have to say that I am not ready, especially when it comes to having children. I have spent the last week with two 1 year old children and although very adorable they were both absolute handfuls. I am simply not ready. I'd rather have sleepless nights form my insomnia running wild instead of a little one running wild for the time being. On of the babies could even hit such a high note that even Mariah Carey in her prime would have had trouble hitting. I called it the instant headache initiator note. One day I'll be ready; but for now I have other things to focus on.

I think a lot of people are idiots, no seriously.

Time away form London has truly changed me for the better and I honestly feel rejuvenated. Upon my return I will be having some serious discussions with some of my friends in relation to certain aspects of their lives - you've been warned. I've been biting my lips for too long now and its time I start being more proactive instead of reactive.

I see lot of relationship advice being dished out but I don't see many people digesting it.

I am more of a leader than I wanted to accept.

And on that note I bid you adieu, I am seriously exhausted from babysitting.

Soon come.

LOVE?

It has been a tension filled week people. You would think being on holiday means you wouldn't have to deal with any stress. But since I've been on holiday for 2 months now I guess it was sort of unavoidable. Anyway, since my insomnia is running rampant and I'm watching VH1 Soul I thought I should blog to release some stress.


This topic has been on my mind a lot recently because my relatives have stepped up in their intensity to find me a suitable Nigerian wife. The audacity! They think because I am 21 and because I have a degree under my belt that there is now no excuse for me not to start looking for a wife. I try to let them know that I have a lot more to accomplish before I even start looking for a wife but my words fall on deaf ears. It has even gotten so deep that one over involved aunty tricked me into coming to her house just so she could set me up with the young lady who was doing her hair. She then proceeded to embarrass the young lady by asking questions like "Do you not think my nephew is handsome?". "You two should get together sometime". "Tell me, do you like him?" all within 2 minutes of us meeting each other. I quickly told her she didn't need to answer any questions and scolded my aunty for making her feel uncomfortable. Although I did later commend my aunty for actually picking a pretty young lady, who was articulate, career driven and had a body to die for. No honestly my mouth literally dropped when I got to view the entirety of her body. At least she found someone who I could be compatible with; which is a lot more than I can say for the "potential wives" other relatives had picked out for me. I should note though - to any reader that I might have mislead, I am not from a family that believe in arranged marriages. Its just for some reason they're putting the job in their hands because I continually tell them that I do not expect to get married. Something which is the closest thing to heresy when it comes to traditional Nigerian thinking.

Forgive me, I am losing focus. Back to the post at hand.

When I say love, I mean intimate love. Love between a man and a woman (or two people of the same sex if you swing that way) who are not related. I know its a not great definition but it is such an ambiguous term that it causes problems when it comes to defining it, but I'm sure you know what I mean. If not just go get a dictionary.

As a young boy I, like many other people, was always curious about this thing called "Love". I mean - What exactly is it? Does it really exist? How can it have such varying effects on people? And probably most importantly - How will I know if I am in love? These are questions I still struggle to come to terms with today. I still find the whole thing........troublesome (I have now moved onto the Shippuden stage in my Shikamaru way of life). But from this young age I decided to start weighing up the different answers, arguments and debates from an objective standpoint. Unsurprisingly, it led me growing up cynical when it came to any matter involving "love".

My early interactions with this troublesome emotion came vicariously through my friend's early relationships. I was not the ladies man I am now back then (okay I'm not even a ladies man now) so I would look at my 14-16 year old friends in absolute disgust whenever they claimed they were "in love". How could anyone at such a young age claim to be in love? Despite my objections the majority adamantly argued that they were in fact in love. It was at this time that I realised the word was overused, misunderstood, said loosely, exaggerated and underestimated all at the same time. I also witnessed how these same people would use the same word as justification for such insane behaviour that in a world run by myself; it would immediately lead to mandatory incarceration in a mental institution. If anything, such behaviour just reinforced my somewhat hostile attitude towards "love". Even now I find it funny that certain peers of mine cannot differentiate being in love from being utterly stupid, I'm sure some would preach that there is no difference.

I often wonder if love would mean the same things if it wasn't consumed by the beast called the mass culture industry. Think about it we have films, books, music, holidays, gifts, TV shows etc. all trying to show us what exactly love is and how it should be expressed but at the end of the day it is all to turn a profit. If we had none of these things, would we still love the same? My opinion is that we wouldn't. I only bring this up because I believe this is where most of my generation get their vision of love from.

It is for this reason I have never told any female that I was involved with that I "was in love with them". Not because I was stubborn, but just because I still didn't know what it meant to be in love. It has been said to me a few times but I never truly believed any female that did reveal this information to me. I am sure you can imagine the fallout with me not responding and after much nagging me just plainly saying "Well. I don't feel that way yet." But I do believe I am perfectly placed to know whether or not I am in love in the future. Hear me out.

I feel I have experienced every emotion that could be misinterpreted as "love". I have had crushes, really liked girls, I have been infatuated, obsessed and lustful amongst many other things. So through the process of trial and error the only real emotion left is love right? I may be wrong but because I've felt these other emotions the next valid emotion I feel must be love, using the process of elimination. I don't know, it still perplexes me. I do not claim to know exactly what love is, which is probably the reason why I am so afraid of it. Yeah, I'll admit it, I am afraid of this thing called "love". But after seeing the so called affects it has on people who wouldn't be.

I even hate the phrase "I think I am falling in love with you". It just highlights the danger and feeling of helplessness most people associate with love. If there is one feeling I can't stand, it is being helpless. As a mature individual that does not want a "conventional" relationship. And by conventional I mean the misguided bullshit they portray love to be in movies, which for some reason is the type of relationship most girls want. However the realist in me will not allow me to succumb to such fantastical and romanticized portrayals of love. I'd rather "rise in love" with someone than fall. Falling always involves some sort of pain. But rising shows growth and control. I am the master of my emotions, they are not the master of me. And I feel anyone that tells me they are falling are secretly telling me this.

I'm sure people who read my blog but don't know me will think "Damn, you are such a pessimist". Trust me it is nothing I haven't heard before. I have had many arguments with starry-eyed people who believe because of my views I am a scrooge. Maybe Andre was right, maybe I am Love Hater. But I refuse to be like the other people I see, destroyed by people they thought they loved because love is such an easy excuse for inexcusable behaviour. I guess I'm just trying to safeguard myself and remain sane against an emotion, chemical reaction or whatever you want to call it, which clearly causes people to lose their rationality. I do not believe love should make you crazy. I believe people do crazy things and use love as an excuse because of its ambiguous nature. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle and will unfortunately fall prey to the same red eyed monster that has consumed so many. But I guarantee you one thing, I'll put up one hell of a fight before I succumb.


I know this post will probably make no sense and has no clear cohesive argument. I have just been writing out random thoughts. I blame it on not sleeping properly in almost 3 days. Yeah you guys must have thought I was joking about the insomnia. Anyway these were just some of my thought processes on the subject. I do not intend to cause insult to anyone who may be reading.


[Note: These are just my opinions. Although I try to remain objective, it is ultimately a subjective issue and I do not question whether mature individuals are really in love. I am merely concerned about how one is supposed to act when they are really in love.]


And if by some sort of divine intervention this song suddenly starts playing on VH1 Soul. I have never heard a song that answers the question so well in musical form.

Remember before you can love anyone else, you must first learn how to love yourself.

Until next time. Be careful when it comes to your foray into the wilderness called love.

Self Realizations.... Coming to Terms with Myself

Since I have a lot of free time on my hands and I just love putting on some mellow music and losing myself within my mind I have come to some realizations.

1) One of the major realizations I have come to is that when it comes to looking retrospectively at the relationships with the females I have been involved with and what ultimately led to all the failures was a familiar trend. On recent reflections the reason why certain people would say I have been "unlucky" when it comes to relationships (which is a huge understatement) is because I have the strange knack of always getting involved with girls instead of women. Allow me to clarify. When I refer to a member of our species who is the owner of a double 'x' chromosome as a girl I am referring to their relative emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sometimes sexual immaturity. This is not to square the blame solely on the females I have been with but the difference in maturity has always caused problems. I have yet to female who shares most of my views when it comes to being in a relationship as complicated as they may be. But I know that I will never find what I am looking for inside of a girl pretending to be a woman. I do not know what it is but there must be something about me that continually attracts me to these girls. Nonetheless it is time I start entering into relationships with mature women if I am to have any hope of being in the kind of 'real' relationship that I envisage within my mind.

2) I have been coasting through life for the last three years. I have always been told that I am an individual with massive potential and I think that it went to my head a little bit. I haven't applied myself like I should have physically, academically or spiritually. That is not to say I have not achieved many things over the last three years, I have achieved loads but I could have achieved a whole lot more. I realise now that I have just been getting by on my natural ability and talent and if I am to be truly great and successful I need to start working harder.

3) Being around my cousin and her husband is teaching me more about relationships and more importantly a marriage than I ever have in my 21 years of existence. Seeing first hand what a young couple have to go through to make a marriage work in such testing times shows me the level of commitment I would need to have if I ever did get married.

4) I also have to admit that not everyone I know can be consistently impervious to my straight talking and sometimes just down right rude ways. I have concentrated more on the new friendships I have formed rather than maintaining the ones I already had. I also shy away from real contact because things like Facebook and MSN have made me lazy. It is for all these reasons that I almost lost a very good friend. I have not been a good friend to a number of people recently and I will try my very best to correct this. All I can ask is if I have inadvertently insulted you recently can you please let me know because I thought everyone got my own particular brand of humour but I was gravely mistaken. And to the friend I almost lost I can only apologize once again - I guess I forgot everything you have done for me and the things you put up with and I am sorry if I ever made you feel if you could no longer talk to me or if I no longer listened to you. You are a close friend that I value and I would never intentionally try to alienate you. But next time if I do something wrong can you please let me know in a much less heartless way.

5) Apologizing sincerely to someone is tough. I used to fake apologies just to shut people up and I was very good at faking sincerity. But when it comes to people I truly care about I have to be genuine.

6) I am still adamant that there is something wrong with my object cathexes. I miss no one at the moment. And all the people who think that telling me that they miss me would only insure to give me a big head - shame on you.

7) I need to start paying the music I love more.

8) I am not afraid to fail but for some reason it does seem like I am afraid to even try in the first place.

9) I know I flip-flop from being a breast man to a bum man and back again, but I think am truly a bum man. There ain't nothing sexier than a female with a nice bum which is proportioned to her body. I don't need a girl with a huge back off but a nicely proportioned one would be enough for me.

10) I have been real lazy in terms of my appearance. Like I put no effort into the way I have chosen to present myself recently. This is mostly down to me having to make sacrifices for the last year which prevented me from buying clothes, but this will all change very soon.

11) I really do need to blog more.

12) Roses really do smell like boo hoo hooooooooo.

13) I am getting really good when it comes to controlling my sexual urges. I will not disclose how long it has been since I was intimate with a female, but it has been a while and it has barely bothered me. Although this may soon change.

14) There are certain things that have happened to me in my life that I thought I had dealt with but it seems like the result of these life experiences have left me deeper mental scars than I had first acknowledged.

15) For the first time in my life, for the first time of me being on holiday - I have nothing to return home for. In the past I have always had something to return to London for but this is no longer the case. After about 18 years of continuous education I finally graduated from Uni and I am done with institutional education for the time being. So there is no academic reason for me to return. But what about my family I hear you say? Well, the days where I needed to remain in a close proximity to my mum are long gone. She is also starting a new life which is kind of forcing me to start my own. My brothers are both starting university and college respectively this month and no matter how much I may deny it, they are becoming men in their own right and I know they do not need me to oversee them as strictly as I did before. I have no girlfriend to return to (which is actually a good thing). As for my many friends, so much stuff has happened in such a short amount of time that it has placed us all on separate paths. The once naive notion that our paths would always somehow stay intertwined is a dead one. We are all growing up and finding our different vocations in life and it is for this reason that I feel both happy and sad. I am happy because I see people progressing but sad because in reality my attachments to all of you have weakened. This is not a bad thing, it is just a fact of life that everyone has different goals and to attain these goals people have to do what they have to do. For every year that I can remember I always had a friend back home who I was happy to return to because they needed me. But this year there is honestly no one that I feel that needs me so much that I need to return home for them specifically. This is not to say I will not be coming back but it does force me to wonder if my future does reside in London. Right now the only thing tying me there is my T-mobile contract and even that expires this month. I guess it is finally time for me to decide what my goals should be.

16) I don't consider myself a relationship expert in any sense of the word but I have somehow continually found myself in the unwanted position of an agony uncle. People seem to think that I must know a thing or two about relationships because I never seem to have any prolonged drama because of them. This is for the mere fact that I am a straight forward individual and I hate, and I repeat, I HATE drama. I nip it in the bud as soon as I see the weed taking root and drench it in weed killer just as an extra precaution. But however much I try to explain to people that ask for my advice that it will not help unless you are an extreme individual like myself I still find my words falling on deaf ears. But still I give out advice to those who ask for it knowing that my words will be wasted and they will do everything opposite to what I advised them to do and land themselves in the big, stinking, steaming pile of cow drama. And I've had enough. So I will no longer be giving advice to people who I feel cannot carry out what I advise them to do. So do not ask if you do not have the testicular or ovarian fortitude to do as I say, if not then what is the point in you asking for advice in the first place?

DAYUUUM.....Maxwell and Kerry

So I'm sitting here on holiday just relaxing watching my favourite channel - VH1 Soul (Seriously they need this back home) and the new Maxwell video comes on.

Now I knew Maxwell knew what being sexy was but after seeing this video he seriously took it to another level. Now I'm a big Maxwell fan and I am so glad he has finally returned. I have heard nothing but good things about his new album 'Black Summers' Night' and along with another 50 other albums I have missed out on from my other favourite neo-soul artists and I need to hurry up and listen to it properly.

Now usually when I am with a female I like and I want to set the mood I play a specific playlist and the first song is always Maxwell - Til' The Cops Come Knocking. But after seeing this video I think this song will have to take the top spot.

The video is just too SEXY. You'll understand when you watch it. I mean I want to marry Kerry Washington right now. Who knew she had it in her?


So here it is, Maxwell - Bad Habits

TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNE

This is my Soulful House Tune of Summer 09.

Big tune. Thanks to Yasmin for finding out the name of the track. Big up to all those that know Deep Soulful House is the one.

Dubai 09

If you know me then you know I love going on holiday. 3 holidays a year is a must.
Because I was in the final year of my degree and I didn't go on holiday for a year and a half which really hurt my soul. So now that I'm a post graduate I took it upon myself to book a couple of holidays. After the disastrous summer 08 that I spent in London I knew there was no way I was gonna go through the same shit again.

Why stay in Endz when there is a whole world to see? And I don't follow the crowd and just go to Malia and Napa. So the first Holiday I booked was to Dubai. Me and my family had been there before like 5 years ago and we enjoyed it so much that we decided it was about time we went back.

Because it was my friend Julie's 21st the night before I had to leave I had to go straight to the airport straight after the festivities. I don't know what happened but I ended up with the sickest migraine - and no I did not drink - so I was just throwing up all the way to Gatwick. I hadn't felt that kind of pain in my head since I had a concussion. Anyway it lasted for 2 days but by this time I had already reached Dubai..............



Beautiful I know. If you do plan to go to Dubai in the summer months then I must warn you................it is a desert city, the heat out there is not be taken lightly. I am not lying that when I was out there the mercury went over 50 degrees.

You will be baking out there. In fact you will be cooking. Its a straight shorts and vest ting!
Anyway while out there me and the fam went sight seeing. Went to the Atlantis.....




Obviously we went to Jumeirah beach which was relaxing. But be warned it is open ocean, it is very easy to get carried off by the waves. Swimming in the sea is also comparable to swimming in boiling salt water. Yes it is that hot, and it is that salty. Me and my brothers almost died trying to battle the waves trying to reach one raft like 100 metres off the coast. When we did eventually reach it we were so exhausted we spent 45 mins just trying to get our breath back.



You don't really go to Dubai shop unless you want jewellery so no tales of shopping. Although we did go to Emirates Mall which is one of the biggest in the world. You know a Mall is big when there have their own little theme park and Ski Resort in there. NO joke. I got to go snowboarding which was extremely fun to do. How many of you can say you've been snowboarding in the desert? LOOOOL Didn't think so.

It was also a good bonding session for me and my brothers since I had been away for 3 years.

Most of the time I was just relaxing in the sunshine or in the pool. For some stupid reason My skin refuses to tan even if I am in extreme sunshine. Dubai is definitely a must go to destination for couples. But a couple who I met at Doha airport did say Qatar was better so that might be my next holiday destination.

And just a quick video of the antics we got up to.









Next holiday - I'm off to America for 2 months. Don't hate too much please, I deserve it.