No seriously. I kid you not. This really should have been a point in my previous post but I felt this point need to be expounded upon. I do not know why I personally get asked questions I know very little about. Ask me about Freudian psychoanalysis, Black History, LOST or Marxism and I'll be in my element, but ask about relationships and I'll be stumped - they are just not my thing. I hate talking or giving advice on subjects I have very little knowledge about. But yet I am still asked for advice? I can only deduce that people ask me because they know I am a "straight up and straight talking" kind of guy. I tell it exactly how it is and don't beat around the bush.
I guess you would think this would make me successful when it came to my endeavours with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I am a huge and utter FAILURE. No seriously. One of the biggest gripes I have with my generation is the mass production of 'Dear Janes and Johns' (although this is a majority female dominated field). People are dishing out relationship advice even when it is not requested. I'm part of a generation who feel entitled to speak on any topic they want to with minimal amount of research done. Pure speculation, hearsay, conjecture and opinions. Purely polemic. How do you reason with a generation that think they are right about everything? Personally, in an Ogundare-run Britain I would ban single people from giving relationship advice. I know, idealist and a little totalitarian but let me get back to reality. If you are a perennially single person who always has troubles in love and relationships what exactly qualifies you to be a 'relationship expert'? The last girl I was involved with dished out this advice like nobodies business, but she couldn't even manage a civil conversation with me yet alone a relationship but she was endorsing herself like a book featured on Oprah.
Last year I wrote in a blog post that I would no longer be giving relationship advice to people that I did not feel had the necessary "testicular fortitude" needed to carry out my advice. This was only half the story. I had realised that I could not be giving out advice on something I have never been successful at? How many failed business entrepreneurs are giving lectures right now on how their business plans failed to get off the ground for big bucks? Like I said I'm a failure when it comes to relationships and I HATE failing - at anything. But I have to admit this obvious truth. So please do not rely on me to give you tips on how to have a successful relationship. However, if you want advice on how to self destruct your relationship into a million pieces and make sure your ex holds a grudge against you for an indefinite amount of time.... THEN I AM YOUR MAN!
The only thing I can do is warn you if I feel that your decisions or actions may lead to more trouble in the long run because I am expert in that. Just be real. But like I've said before I seem to be one of the few rational people in a generation full of delusional love-loving agony aunts and uncles. But I fear I am fighting a losing battle. People will have a sense of entitlement regardless. Guess I need to speed up my plans for world domination.
To be honest I don't think I will ever understand why humans yearn for sexually exclusive heterosexual (or gay/bi-sexual) companionship. I guess it is one of the few areas you could call me socially awkward in.
(Un)happy relationships to all.
It seems like the ideals of "common sense" and a "relationship" are mutually incompatible. Guess this is where I've been going wrong. - Michael Ogundare
I thought I should commit a blog post to clear up a few inaccuracies and misconceptions people seem to continuously have about me.
1) I am NOT an atheist. I know I am fairly outspoken when it comes to mass organized religion but please don't confuse this as an attack on your own personal spirituality. I do believe in a higher spiritual entity, whatever it may be, but I just don't believe in these western monotheistic religion's conception of God. Sorry. People seem to think that you need religion to access spirituality which in my opinion is a dangerous ideal to propagate. I am deeply spiritual, it's just not in a way you can categorize.
2) Following on from that: I am NOT Muslim. For some reason people seem to think I am Muslim. Maybe it is because I shave my head and do have a slightly unmanageable beard but this surely does not mean I am a Muslim. It is a lot easier for me in my hectic schedule to just shave my head so I don't have to worry about and besides I like the look. I think the rugged image suits me from time to time but from now on I will try harder to keep things looking trim and proper.
3) You confuse me as someone who has an interest in politics but I have NO interest in being a politician. I started a love affair with Government and Politics ever since I took it as an A-Level way back when. I think it is a major disadvantage that the majority of my generation I have happened to come in contact with know little to almost nothing on how our political system works. To date there has only ever been two people I could talk politics to on a deep level. My political views are controversial to say the least but I just want to thank everyone who said they would back me if I ever ran for PM. Although I fear this country is not ready for my brand of governance. I do feel the majority of politicians are inept and despicable characters and the current political system only seems to keep putting the same kind of idiots into public office. So until there is a change in the system and therefore a change in what it means to be a politician I'm just going to hold back. But still.................................OGUNDARE 2015 (Or someday)
4) I do NOT have a problem with females that wear weave. I just think its silly that its biggest consumers make little or no money from it. Makes no sense, I've heard even Brazilians have entered into this hair foray. As long as it looks good and it doesn't look like any dead animal has been hot-glued onto your scalp I have no complaints. Although I am extremely attracted to females who have the confidence to rock their short hair in a natural way. We all don't need to conform to the European beauty ideal.
5) I am NOT some militant black power revolutionary. Not yet anyway. I find it really stupid that to profess a love for Black people and the problems we face people think you have to fall into the aforementioned category. This is not some blind love either. For all the things that are great about us I know we face some difficult and deeply entrenched problems. But I believe these can be over come with (re)education of self. So the next time you wonder why I'm interested in "all that Black stuff" just remember the answer is simple: BECAUSE I'M BLACK FOOL!
6) When it comes to females I've been involved with I DON'T lie. I am not a womanizer, even if I wanted to I couldn't be. It seems I can't even stand next to a female without someone thinking I have already "been" with her. I am a straight up guy and if I have told you before that I haven't been with a particular female PLEASE BELIEVE ME. Don't ask me a few months later expecting a different reply. I guess I should be kind of flattered that people have such faith in my "mating" skills but to be honest I'm a bit of a shy guy.
7) YES I am a bum guy, I cant deny. I have a supreme weakness for a girl with a nice backoff. Now I don't need someone like Bria Myles (although it would be nice) but something nice and proportional to the girl's frame does me fine. Obviously this doesn't come before whats in the girl's head but the addition of a nice bum is a deal clincher for me. Because its all good if you got a bum full of junk but whats the point if your head is filled with the same?
8) I am NOT against marriage. I just feel when people think about this sacred institution all they talk of is the ceremony, honeymoon and the good times. I am not as disillusioned. Being around a young married couple last year showed me how much hard work and dedication goes into maintaining a successful marriage. If everyone else realised this then maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.
9) I DO have love for my Nigerian sisters. But you females think way too far ahead when you meet me. I know you are under immense familial pressure to get married and have kids and the majority of you have it planned out to the finest detail. Regardless, I don't like being rushed. Just because we're both Nigerian does not mean we have to be together and my supposed light skin should not be treated as some kind of novelty. I recently heard a statistic that said that every 1 out of 6 Black people you meet will be Nigerian. Which means there are plenty of Nigerian males out there, just be patient but I'm sure this will fall on def ears. Sorry if this made me sound big headed. I know I talk about Ghanaian girls a lot but I still got love for my sisters.
10) I DO want kids, I'm just in no rush. I have a lot more to accomplish before I even start thinking about having kids.
11) I do NOT believe in "The One" nor understand this thing called "Love".
12) I am NOT even remotely financially well off. I'm sorry if I have ever mislead people into believing I had more money than I let on but I'll be the first to admit I am poor. OK I'm not that poor but my level of being classified as poor is higher than most people I know. The times when I have had money is all down to hard work, no 419's or wealthy relatives. All the holidays I go on I work really hard for. No one spoils me so from time to time I spoil myself. Being broke is a sorry state of existence and it is not something I intend to be for much longer.
Hopefully that's cleared a lot of ish up for you. Man you people really had me confused.
"My mistake was thinking we could pick up where we left off. When I should have realized that we in fact needed to start from the beginning again."
After a night of reflection on my friendships the above quotation was the conclusion I came too when trying to find out why some friendships just did not feel right to me. In this particular instance I'm referring to close friends who, for whatever reason, ceased being close friends but after an indefinite amount of time a reconciliation was reached and you continue on in your friendship.
I have had a lot of these reconciliations.
I make no excuses. I am an extremely difficult person to get along with. This is not the case if we have a professional relationship or are simply acquaintances. But for anyone who I deem worthy enough to enter my inner circle you will undoubtedly see sides of me other people would not- this is true for the majority of people. Unfortunately in my younger days I saw any person I had inducted into my inner circle not valuing the fact that it was, in my eyes, an esteemed position akin to committing the highest treason. It was betrayal. In hindsight I may have been a little bit dramatic. This led to a high turnover of friends being lost, especially with females.
After a period of time some of these friends and I would reconcile. Sometimes it would take a few weeks, sometimes a few months and in some cases a few years. Like I said I'm difficult. But after we had 'made up' things inevitably were not the same. An old friend once told me that after a serious argument between two close friends occurs things can never be the same again. They can either use the experience to become closer and therefore better friends or use the argument as an excuse for the friendship to deteriorate. There are no other alternatives and personally I think she is right Now when you factor in a period of separation things become slightly different. Without realising how naive I was being, I simply behaved as though me and a friend I had reconciled with would just pick up where we left off. Big mistake. Sometimes I was guilty of this gross misconduct and other times it was the friend who was guilty.
Any sensible person after a period of time away from someone should have grown in some way. Whether it be physically, intellectually, spiritually or in any other area, something has to have changed. I now take it as an insult if anyone I haven't seen in a while says I am still exactly the same. It either means I have not progressed or the person is not able to see the change that has been undertaken. So when I felt an eventual 'uneasiness' around a reconciled friend, this was the cause. People change. Or at least they should change, I know a few people who would give Peter Pan a run for his money. The parameters on which you first form a relationship with someone cannot be the same when both parties lose contact and eventually reconcile. Its difficult but a reconciled friend has to be approached in the same way you would deal with an almost totally new person entering your life. That is not to say you won't already have access to information a new friend would not have the pleasure of knowing but it should be understood that this information will no doubt need to be updated.
I know it sounds long, especially when you think you already know the person. But I can say I have a fair number of old friends who I reconciled with but eventually lost contact with again because things were not the same. Its just that back then I was oblivious as to the reason why.
If good friends happen to make their way back into your life, don't miss out on the second chance just because you fail too see its not as simple as just picking up where you left off. You kinda have to start all over again.
So we've reached that time of year again when BBC Three start showing a whole bunch of new shows. Compared to last years offerings this years is a huge step. From what I remember BBC Three barely takes up many of the shows and most remain as one off pilots. But luckily 'Lee Nelson's Well Good Show' has been scripted for 6 episodes. The pilot I just watched was flipping hilarious and it takes a lot to get me to laugh out with a sketch show. At least its a lot better than that BS James Corden and Matthew Horne show from last year.
One of the things I love about the Internet is the pure randomness of it. You can be carelessly roaming around the Internet and stumble across a gold nugget. I have found one such nugget.
First off, read this article by the supremely talented Lola Adesioye:
If you are like me, multi-talented and have been feeling kind of 'cursed' recently then this is exactly what we both needed to pick us up.
I often get infuriated when people ask me what field of work I want to go into and I have to reply "I don't know" often to be treated as some lazy bum. I regularly wish I was one of those kids who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up and had spent every subsequent day working towards it. Or to be one of those people who had a singular amazing talent which directed them to their future career. Unfortunately that has never been me. Being from a Nigerian household and being the "stubborn goat" (as my mum says) that I am the mantle of 'Doctor' or 'Lawyer' never really excited. Even though it is almost every Nigerian parent's dream that their offspring goes into one of these two professions. I was determined not to conform. Thankfully, I have a very understanding mum who never pressured me into choosing a career path but also taught me to never rest on my laurels and to work hard and excel at everything I do.
I guess you can say I am "talented" at many things and therefore it should be easy for me to choose from one of these to forge a suitable career out of. But trust me, it just makes it that more difficult.
But this article has inspired me to just do me, and be great in everything I do and to be comfortable with my multi talented splendour.
With something as delicate as this I understand one must go through a number of stages. For the benefit of the subsequent posts I will be following the stages Ms Badu used on the song 'Green Eyes'.
You are wrong.
I guess what I feel most is disappointment. I am not angry, miserable or heartbroken. I feel a lot of little things but no single one big enough for it to have a word as a feeling. But if I combine all these things together the nearest word I can find in my vocabulary is......disappointment, although even this word is seriously lacking. I'm disappointed in myself, in your "reasons" and how you chose to give up.
I still don't really understand what went wrong. Yeah we'd argue, but who doesn't? Yeah we don't see exactly eye-to-eye but who does? You probably think it was the "noble" thing to do but I feel like you jumped ship first due to you thinking I would possible do it first and that you wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.
Or was it your confusion? Like I said carry on saying you did it for "us" but its clear your motivations were purely selfish. For all the time it took you to finally become serious this how you reward my patience?
I don't even know how to feel, what to write or how to think. I'm just kinda......disappointed.
I once remember a certain Ms Julie Adenuga calling me finished because I happened to upload a picture of my bulging bicep on Facebook. I work hard for the body I have because unfortunately I wasn't naturally blessed with a body like Adonis. Irrespective of this she still insisted on calling me FINISHED!
One thing I find very odd in such a liberal country with such highly sexualised young people is the inability to REALLY open up about sex. I don't simply mean talking about the act because we all know people who brag about how much play the get, but the deeper and more meaningful things and problems that comes bundled with.
When I catch up with people after enquiring about their health, friends, family, relationships, goals etc. Naturally I start questioning them on their sex life. I believe having a healthy sex life is paramount to having a healthy mental state. In the beginning I was always met with gasps of embarrassment and I wondered, Kini big deal?(What's the big deal? for all my non- Nigerians) But after whomever I was speaking too had gotten over their primary inhibition they would then open up like nobodies business. Like seriously, I couldn't get them too shutup.
I just think its weird I keep hearing:
"You're the only one I can talk too about things like this."
Seriously? People its 2010! What's there to be afraid of? If you have had the pleasure of attending one of my impromptu sex "seminars" then you know I am not afraid to talk about sex. Asking questions does not make you a hoe or a bunje (Thank you Rets for that word,) I see plenty of people clamouring for relationship advice but barely anyone looking for sexual advice? Are we all sexual professionals who don't need any help? I know people have anxieties, fears, questions etc. but it seems people like to front. I have theorized that in our "urban" sub-culture there is a particular sexual behavioural cannon in which we are afraid to venture beyond. If you display a curiosity or preference which is outside this cannon then you are seen as some sort deviant. (This is true of wider society as a whole but for the purposes of this post I'm just dealing with my generation and the environment we operate within). And the proprietors to this are usually the least mature,least intellectual and extremely obtuse individuals among us. But yet they serve as judges when it comes to what is sexually acceptable. This why such terms such as "bow cat" are still propagated today.
Lets be real fellas. The majority of us have suffered from performance anxiety. We have not been able to keep it up for hours as we're expected too. We're a little prone to cumming a little quicker than we would like. We're afraid to ask our partners to incorporate something new into the bedroom or we might feel we don't quite meet the grade when it comes to the "bulge in your boxers" department. I understand a lot of us are not mature enough to allow a forum for people to ask such questions but its time for a change.
Lets be real ladies. A lot of you are probably self conscious about your bodies, you might not feel as experienced as your partner. You are probably afraid of giving "head" or you're not too confident in your "riding" skills. I meet too many of you that are even afraid to acknowledge you have masturbated. Like someone once told me, "...be wary of anyone who vehemently denies that they masturbate."
I am proud to be many of my friends sexual confidante. I am always on hand to give advice, tips or just being the available owner of ears that will listen with an open mind without any judgement. This is not to say I am some kind of sexual guru or anything but I like to think I'm well informed enough to be adult about sex. I am only 22 and although I have been having sex for a number of years now I can honestly say I have only really started to understand what sex really is over last year or so. (Hopefully my mum will never read this blog). It's abundantly clear from the stuff that I have heard, that many people just do not know what they are doing and get bad advice from equally less knowledgeable people. I've realised as soon as you make people feel comfortable about what they are curious about they gain a new found confidence, instead of labelling them as a deviant. Besides I meet way too many females who say they have been "licked out" but I have never met a guy who has admitted to doing it. The numbers don't add up people - be real. Don't act like you've never been curious when it comes to giving "head" to a male or female.
So what I'm really saying is to not be afraid to ask about anything when it comes to sex. I guess you just need to find someone who is adult enough to talk about it with. I'm sure all the people I have given tips too have been satisfied with what I have shared with them. You'd be surprised how many people think they are having great sex when it is merely adequate at best.
What's there to be scared of? As long as you have a caring and understanding partner who is not afraid to explore and experiment when it comes to sex then who cares what anybody else thinks.
Disclaimer: This was not intended as a piece of empowerment literature for females who are a little too liberal when it comes to opening their legs or the guys whose life goal is to reach the glorious "I've slept with 1000 females" mark. If you are one of these people please disregard everything I have written. This is purely for the people who want to be mature and open minded when it comes to sex and build upon it. It is one of my goals to improve the quality of the "sex pool" for everyone.
Wishing great sex lives to all my readers.
(Especially Jodie aka Jay Emty because I know she is my biggest fan).
I love music, I love it, I love it, I love it. Doesn't matter what genre it is, as long as I like it thats all that matters which is why I was heavily into Empire of The Sun last year. But this isn't about my love of music and what it means to me, although I'm sure that post is coming soon. Now because I love music so much it is constantly playing in my room so when my zombie of a phone does actually ring I'm usually met with the callous utterance "Can you turn down your music please! Gosh your such a freak." Don't these people understand that when I'm told to turn down MY music it is akin to asking me to stab myself in the heart? I DON'T CARE IF IT IS LOUD, I LOVE IT! In secondary school I used to flip out like the guy in 'There's Something About Mary' whenever anyone even came near to my headphones. People had to first get my attention and then have my permission to carefully remove my headphones, say what they needed to say, and then carefully slot them back into my ears. That's how seriously I took music. Anti-social I know but I had serious issues as a teenager and music was my only form of escapism.
Anyway, back to the reason for this post. Recently I have noticed a trend when I'm on the phone to my friends and they say "Why are you playing that song? It sounds so depressing. Long gone are the days (16/TONYA- if you don't know read my old posts) when I listened to music and it got me depressed over someone that I couldn't have. But I'll take inspiration for me to share music to the world in whatever form it may come. So here are 10 songs that if left on repeat will leave you in a deranged state after you have just been broken up with...
1) Brian McKnight - Anytime
2) Kem - I Can't Stop Loving You
3) Eric Roberson - Pen Just Cries Away
4) Usher - You Got It Bad
5) Daft Punk - Something About Us
6) Floetry - Hey You
7) Erykah Badu - Green Eyes
8) Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love
9) Jill Scott - Cross My Mind
10) Andre 3000 - She Lives In My Lap
11) Musiq - Halfcrazy
12) Ok I lied there is one last song guaranteed to tip you over the edge to insanity, but its not a definitive song I can simply place in this list. The last song is "your song". Whatever song which belonged to you and the person you split from, you know "your song". For me it used to be Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning and that's not even a depressing song...and that's the point. Nothing can bring forth stronger memories or emotions than this last song. So be careful, I don't need to be the catalyst for people being institutionalised. Although these songs are depressing and do put you into a kind of melancholy state I truly believe that songs like these also help you to heal. Through all the pain, regardless of whether you acknowledge it or not, you are simultaneously healing.
Over the last two years I have had many encounters with the opposite sex and the majority of them have always ended the same. The female in question after a period of time would always express her dissatisfaction about how little she really knew about me. That is not to say she knew nothing at all but there was very little she knew past the superficial. All this was very intentional and I never let any female get to know me past a certain point. Most likely this was just to protect myself. This ultimately led to the female becoming disillusioned and dissolving the promising relationship. Which never really bothered me because I never really cared. So after having this same conversation numerous times with numerous females over the last two years I kinda got a little pissed off. What did these females really want me? If you know me; you know I am not the bastion for the purity of relationships. I am firmly grounded in reality and past the glaringly obvious; I still do not see what real purpose relationships serve. But I've already blogged about that.
After having a string of debates about my "relationship practices" my defence was that I always felt that if I ever really opened up to a female she wouldn't be able to handle the real me. This was my defence and I stood by it. A lot of people can barely handle me as it is so what would happen if I revealed every facet of my complicated psyche to a solitary female? I gathered that it would just lead to a whole bunch of problems which I wasn't prepared to deal with. But this was based on nothing but assumption. The prosecution (my friends) rightly countered by arguing that before I come to such a conclusion that maybe I should actually take a chance and open up to someone and see if they truly can handle me, instead of deciding for them that they can't without even giving them an adequate chance. My immediate reaction that this was nothing short of blasphemy in the court of 'me'. Back then I thought it was a ludicrous idea - just shows how much more growing I have to do, which is a lot.
But my defence was slowly chipped away at and I was left with a single question to face:
"How long are you going to keep doing the same experiment but still keep expecting the result to somehow be different?"
Seriously, what was I expecting? For Einstein this was the very definition of madness and I ain't trying to be mad out here. So I decided to proceed onto a different experiment - to finally let a female get to know the real me, with the outcome hopefully leading to an exclusive committed adult sexual relationship. All that I needed was a willing test subject.
The experiment lasted approximately seven months. To put it simply it failed. My assumptions were confirmed. But positives can be taken from it. My methodology needs a bit of tweaking but I'm not going to use the findings of this single experiment as justification to revert to the old me. But failure is still a kick in the teeth.
The following posts will be me trying to deal with this failure. . .
On a chance encounter I recently got to catch up with the often elusive Mr Ogundare, the controversial writer of the blog 'Mikez World'. I saw this as a golden opportunity to pick one of the most uncensored and unpolitically correct minds our generation has to offer.
MJ: So Mr Ogundare, its been a very long time you have blessed us with your thoughts. Why exactly did you leave the blogging world?
Mikez: (Shamefully laughs) I didn't really leave, I would call it an extended sabbatical. It was a mixture of things really. I came back from my holidays a new person but had to readjust to living in the real world with no safety net. Other things just took priority and writing just really wasn't on my mind. After a while it was just laziness amongst other things, but I was always going to return. There is only so long I can shut myself up for
MJ: Yes, it does seems that the few posts you did write before your "sabbatical" they showed a lot of self reflection. Was there a lot of upheaval in your life at this time?
Mikez: Upheaval seems like too strong a word but there was definitely change. While I was away on holiday I realised for the first time in three years I didn't have work, deadlines, dissertation or exams to worry about. While surrounded by the love of my family friends in America I just took the time out to really take a long, deep look at myself. There were a lot of things I did not like about myself in terms of my behaviour and attitude. I also thought I was too dependent on certain things and certain people so it was time for a change. Me putting my thoughts on my blog has always been a way for me to verbalise mt thoughts. But with this it was something more, it was somewhat cathartic. It helped ease me into the transition I was going through.
MJ: Sounds deep.
Mikez: It was. But it was great. I think I had resumed the journey I had started a number of years ago but had to pause during my time at Uni but now I feel like I'm right back on track. Back on the road to being the man people always knew I could be.
MJ: So what exactly have you been up to with your more refined self?
Mikez: I've just been doing everything that makes me happy really. I have been keeping fit and signed up to my local gym, reading as much as I can and strengthening my relationships with my friends and family. I've been building up my contacts and have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing people over the last few months. I've been volunteering in my community and help teach kids from the ages of 9-14 basketball twice a week in Finsbury Park. I also started playing American football again and I currently play for the London Blitz who are the current National Champions, all this while looking for work. Doing a little but of everything really, I guess the only thing was missing was me writing again as it is one of my passions.
MJ: You have been real busy. So you just weren't laying at home doing nothing then?
Mikez: LOL. I was for a while but I'm a very active guy, I'm always going find something to do eventually.
MJ: So what books have you been reading?
Mikez: For some reason I've been very interested in Black psychologists at the moment and their thoughts on colonialism and racism. Dr Frances Cress Welsing's 'The Isis Papers' and Franz Fanon's 'Black Skin White Masks' have dominated my time. Two amazing books but sometimes very controversial and hard to understand but I'm always trying to expand my knowledge base.
MJ: And what about your love life? I know people are always interested in that.
Mikez: People ain't interested in that. I'm perennially single anyway so there is no love life to talk about anyway.
MJ: It was wonderful catching up with you Michael and hopefully we'll be seeing some new posts by you very soon.
So, after 3 long months away I have finally returned back to London. I can honestly say that this summer was one of the best I have ever experienced. But apart from all the women, parties, bars and numerous other fun activities I indulged in the one thing that will typify this summer is the huge jump in my personal self development.
Returning back to London after spending 3 years in Brighton had a weird affect on me which I will blog about at a later date but being away from the whole country for 3 months had an unexpected result. As some of you may tell from the few sporadic posts I did while I was away, that it gave me a lot of time to really critique myself as a person. After that I started to question some of the relationships I had back home and slowly realised that they weren't what they thought they were. This lead to me coming to a bleak realisation that these people have been in fact holding me back rather than trying to push towards my goals. So now that I am back I have begun to tell certain friends that the dynamics of our friendship have changed and I can no longer be held back by them and it is time to move on. No malice, no negativity, no insult untended - just realness.
My sabbatical allowed me to review myself. It rejuvenated and recharged my batteries and equipped me with a new set of skills that will help me in my new life.
So its good to be back but I want people to know that I have come back a changed man. Certain people haven't taken me very seriously just yet, but I am sure that will change soon.
More posts to follow soonish because I am jet lagged and need at least a week to recover.
So just to update you I am currently in Orlando as another stop on my seemingly never ending holiday, although it will be coming to an end real soon. My very generous uncle decided to fly me out here so I could spend some time with him and his family as a graduation present. I finally got to meet my baby cousin who turned one on the weekend and accompanied her to her 1st birthday party. She is actually adorable and will post some pics of her when I transfer the pics to my laptop. The weather is fantastic I must add, I am not used to 30+ degree weather in October. I am still just relaxing and living the life.
But after such a relaxing afternoon I was left alone with my thoughts again and came to a few more realizations.
I am exactly where I expected to be right now. In my obscure life plan I always wanted to graduate when I was 21 and that's really as far as it went. I mean I am not employed or anything but I have never known what I have wanted to do with my life. But after talking to numerous people I have decided that I cannot have a job, I want a career. And in order for that to happen I need to incorporate one or a mixture of my passions in a way where it allows me to earn money. I refuse to get comfortable in a job that I got just because I needed a monthly wage in an area I don't love. I fear that if this does happen then I'll wake up one day when I'm a 30 something male with a wife and two kids wondering where the hell my life went, still in the same unnamed job with no prospects and earning a slightly higher monthly wage. I assume this how most people would have felt sometime during their lives. But the majority still fall into the same trap of getting a job that is only supposed to be momentary, you know pay the bills until you can make your dreams come true sort of thing, but still end up getting comfortable and somehow their dreams get pushed to the backseat when they should be riding shotgun. So I REFUSE to allow this to happen to me. Not the whole getting a job to support myself in the meantime (because Royal Mail here I come) but never forgetting that it is not something I want to be doing for the rest of my life.
So for that reason I have decided something. I am not going to say because (I hope) a couple of my friends read my blog and it essentially kind of impacts them so I am not willing to divulge the information just yet but just letting you know I am in the process of planning something which will have a huge impact on my future.
I have sacrificed for so long now I wonder if it is now okay to stop. I sacrificed my own misconceived rebellious ambitions to please a mother who I love deeply but is never satisfied. I sacrificed my social life to complete my degree. I sacrificed my going shopping and spoiling myself rule for a year and a half just to get the perfect house for my last year of Uni. I sacrificed my own financial security to keep a girlfriend happy who really didn't deserve it. I sacrificed not doing what I really wanted to do 5 years ago to keep my family together after the wake of a tragic and unexpected death. I am not complaining, don't get me wrong, all of these sacrifices lead to positive outcomes in the end, but I have been sacrificing for so long now, especially when it comes to my family that I feel if I carry on it will be eating into life dreams. I do not even know if it is time to stop. I guess I would feel kind of guilty to just start focusing on myself but then again I feel like enough is enough. It is time for me to really start thinking about me and only me.
I am slowly being turned from a PC into a Mac person. They are actually superior to any PC I have used. They still have faults, like the keyboard for instance, but overall they are winning me over.
I realize I have many people that get parts of me, but not me as a whole. Maybe this is the reason I cannot build lasting meaningful relationships. I feel like for this to happen then someone would need to understand the many parts of myself that make up me. I do take responsibility that I can be closed at times but this is just because I feel I haven't met anyone that could handle all of me, but hey how can I know if I don't at least give them a try right? This is not to alienate the people that do get parts of me though. Just want to give a shoutout to my cousin Tinu and my friends Izzy & Shree who I feel truly understand my love for music and the wide ranging affects it has in other areas of my life. Also, I want to give a shoutout to Izzy & Shree again as well as my friend Nadia who all understand that sometimes you have to abandon politically correct behaviour and just be blunt even if it means coming across a little rude. Shouout to Gabrielle who understands that sometimes the best way to deal with people is just not to deal with them at all and can you PLEASE start blogging again. To my many friends who understand my passion for sports, you all make me a better athlete and analyst. But when I find a woman who can understand all my various sides and passions then I just might give this relationship thing a go.
With all the pressure coming from my family recently imploring me to start thinking about settling down and having children - I simply have to say that I am not ready, especially when it comes to having children. I have spent the last week with two 1 year old children and although very adorable they were both absolute handfuls. I am simply not ready. I'd rather have sleepless nights form my insomnia running wild instead of a little one running wild for the time being. On of the babies could even hit such a high note that even Mariah Carey in her prime would have had trouble hitting. I called it the instant headache initiator note. One day I'll be ready; but for now I have other things to focus on.
I think a lot of people are idiots, no seriously.
Time away form London has truly changed me for the better and I honestly feel rejuvenated. Upon my return I will be having some serious discussions with some of my friends in relation to certain aspects of their lives - you've been warned. I've been biting my lips for too long now and its time I start being more proactive instead of reactive.
I see lot of relationship advice being dished out but I don't see many people digesting it.
I am more of a leader than I wanted to accept.
And on that note I bid you adieu, I am seriously exhausted from babysitting.
I know some people may raise eyebrows when it comes to my selection for this week. But its just not all about Candy. Cameo had some decent tunes. Although the video is very camp it is still jokes.
I understand it is October and even though I am in America and they choose to celebrate it at a different time I still acknowledge that back home this is the month we have been given to celebrate our own history. Learning of my history is something I take very seriously and will no doubt be dedicating a number of posts to the subject. But I always try to let people know that Black History Month is every month, not just October.
Right now I am going to drop a poem that I caught last year during the BET launch last year for BHM. I saw Jason Nwansi recite a powerful poem of his entitled 'What it Means to Be Black' which really touched my soul. I put off doing this earlier because I felt the actual recital was so powerful and I wanted to upload the video but I could not find it. Luckily, when I was searching for the poem to paste onto this post I saw someone had finally uploaded the video on YouTube just a week ago. I don't know why it took so long but I'm happy someone finally did. Again I feel like divine intervention has a part to play on one of my posts. I feel like the Most High is really smiling down on me today.
Anyway I'll post both the video and written format of the poem:
I was asked to write a poem on what it means to be black But I don't think my words can encapsulate that The rage that I feel when ignored by black-cabs I don't think my words can encapsulate that Constantly over looked coz my complexion don't match I don't think that words can encapsulate that And even though I'm non-threatening I'm still viewed as a threat I don't think that words can encapsulate that.
Black, adjective, of the deepest colour Relating to the human group having dark coloured skin Presenting distressing situations in comical terms Like the fools who make jokes out of racism Marked by disaster, marked by despair Damilola Taylor left bleeding on stairs The pages of my dictionary have casually stated That black is full of anger and hatred Maybe that's why I can't get a cab And I keep getting stopped by police and that Plus it's more likely that I'll be shot or stabbed That's called NEO-RACISM where BLACKS hate BLACKS BLACK ON BLACK CRIME, rolling with nines So solid crew got the blame for a while Under represented in all institutions LIBERALS LIP SERVICE and look for solutions
Forgive me for stating uncomfortable facts But for deeper understanding we must look back A whip sounding from silence a thunderous "CRACK!" I don't think that words can encapsulate that Lacerations that perforate this young slaves back I don't think that words can encapsulate that Sleeping in my own faeces with a plague of rats I don't think that words can encapsulate that In the belly of a slave ship that wont turn back I don't think that words can encapsulate that I've gone from a King to Cattle in the space of a week No wife home nor land, I morn I weep, I'm weak I'm feeling home sick so I cant eat, I'm meek These Iron-cuffs have created sores that seep I've been Robbed of my robes, given strange clothes, This place is a market; I'm now to be sold This man has his hands on my testicles Traded besides a woman that I do not know The sunshine radiates her skin just glows She cry's all the time of a pain untold Robbed of her Virginity, Dignity and Soul I offered her comfort, her hands were so cold I am FEAR-INSTILLED, Man's Property still BREEDING with strangers against my WILL FORCED to behave or my blood will SPILL The MASTERS A MONSTER I've seen him KILL If I accept this now will this ever STOP? In future will our Children be strangled or shot? Decorations from Oak Trees for Villainous MOBS Or will WHITE faces greet us and hope we've forgot I was asked to write a poem on what it means to be black
It has been a tension filled week people. You would think being on holiday means you wouldn't have to deal with any stress. But since I've been on holiday for 2 months now I guess it was sort of unavoidable. Anyway, since my insomnia is running rampant and I'm watching VH1 Soul I thought I should blog to release some stress.
This topic has been on my mind a lot recently because my relatives have stepped up in their intensity to find me a suitable Nigerian wife. The audacity! They think because I am 21 and because I have a degree under my belt that there is now no excuse for me not to start looking for a wife. I try to let them know that I have a lot more to accomplish before I even start looking for a wife but my words fall on deaf ears. It has even gotten so deep that one over involved aunty tricked me into coming to her house just so she could set me up with the young lady who was doing her hair. She then proceeded to embarrass the young lady by asking questions like "Do you not think my nephew is handsome?". "You two should get together sometime". "Tell me, do you like him?" all within 2 minutes of us meeting each other. I quickly told her she didn't need to answer any questions and scolded my aunty for making her feel uncomfortable. Although I did later commend my aunty for actually picking a pretty young lady, who was articulate, career driven and had a body to die for. No honestly my mouth literally dropped when I got to view the entirety of her body. At least she found someone who I could be compatible with; which is a lot more than I can say for the "potential wives" other relatives had picked out for me. I should note though - to any reader that I might have mislead, I am not from a family that believe in arranged marriages. Its just for some reason they're putting the job in their hands because I continually tell them that I do not expect to get married. Something which is the closest thing to heresy when it comes to traditional Nigerian thinking.
Forgive me, I am losing focus. Back to the post at hand.
When I say love, I mean intimate love. Love between a man and a woman (or two people of the same sex if you swing that way) who are not related. I know its a not great definition but it is such an ambiguous term that it causes problems when it comes to defining it, but I'm sure you know what I mean. If not just go get a dictionary.
As a young boy I, like many other people, was always curious about this thing called "Love". I mean - What exactly is it? Does it really exist? How can it have such varying effects on people? And probably most importantly - How will I know if I am in love? These are questions I still struggle to come to terms with today. I still find the whole thing........troublesome (I have now moved onto the Shippuden stage in my Shikamaru way of life). But from this young age I decided to start weighing up the different answers, arguments and debates from an objective standpoint. Unsurprisingly, it led me growing up cynical when it came to any matter involving "love".
My early interactions with this troublesome emotion came vicariously through my friend's early relationships. I was not the ladies man I am now back then (okay I'm not even a ladies man now) so I would look at my 14-16 year old friends in absolute disgust whenever they claimed they were "in love". How could anyone at such a young age claim to be in love? Despite my objections the majority adamantly argued that they were in fact in love. It was at this time that I realised the word was overused, misunderstood, said loosely, exaggerated and underestimated all at the same time. I also witnessed how these same people would use the same word as justification for such insane behaviour that in a world run by myself; it would immediately lead to mandatory incarceration in a mental institution. If anything, such behaviour just reinforced my somewhat hostile attitude towards "love". Even now I find it funny that certain peers of mine cannot differentiate being in love from being utterly stupid, I'm sure some would preach that there is no difference.
I often wonder if love would mean the same things if it wasn't consumed by the beast called the mass culture industry. Think about it we have films, books, music, holidays, gifts, TV shows etc. all trying to show us what exactly love is and how it should be expressed but at the end of the day it is all to turn a profit. If we had none of these things, would we still love the same? My opinion is that we wouldn't. I only bring this up because I believe this is where most of my generation get their vision of love from.
It is for this reason I have never told any female that I was involved with that I "was in love with them". Not because I was stubborn, but just because I still didn't know what it meant to be in love. It has been said to me a few times but I never truly believed any female that did reveal this information to me. I am sure you can imagine the fallout with me not responding and after much nagging me just plainly saying "Well. I don't feel that way yet." But I do believe I am perfectly placed to know whether or not I am in love in the future. Hear me out.
I feel I have experienced every emotion that could be misinterpreted as "love". I have had crushes, really liked girls, I have been infatuated, obsessed and lustful amongst many other things. So through the process of trial and error the only real emotion left is love right? I may be wrong but because I've felt these other emotions the next valid emotion I feel must be love, using the process of elimination. I don't know, it still perplexes me. I do not claim to know exactly what love is, which is probably the reason why I am so afraid of it. Yeah, I'll admit it, I am afraid of this thing called "love". But after seeing the so called affects it has on people who wouldn't be.
I even hate the phrase "I think I am falling in love with you". It just highlights the danger and feeling of helplessness most people associate with love. If there is one feeling I can't stand, it is being helpless. As a mature individual that does not want a "conventional" relationship. And by conventional I mean the misguided bullshit they portray love to be in movies, which for some reason is the type of relationship most girls want. However the realist in me will not allow me to succumb to such fantastical and romanticized portrayals of love. I'd rather "rise in love" with someone than fall. Falling always involves some sort of pain. But rising shows growth and control. I am the master of my emotions, they are not the master of me. And I feel anyone that tells me they are falling are secretly telling me this.
I'm sure people who read my blog but don't know me will think "Damn, you are such a pessimist". Trust me it is nothing I haven't heard before. I have had many arguments with starry-eyed people who believe because of my views I am a scrooge. Maybe Andre was right, maybe I am Love Hater. But I refuse to be like the other people I see, destroyed by people they thought they loved because love is such an easy excuse for inexcusable behaviour. I guess I'm just trying to safeguard myself and remain sane against an emotion, chemical reaction or whatever you want to call it, which clearly causes people to lose their rationality. I do not believe love should make you crazy. I believe people do crazy things and use love as an excuse because of its ambiguous nature. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle and will unfortunately fall prey to the same red eyed monster that has consumed so many. But I guarantee you one thing, I'll put up one hell of a fight before I succumb.
I know this post will probably make no sense and has no clear cohesive argument. I have just been writing out random thoughts. I blame it on not sleeping properly in almost 3 days. Yeah you guys must have thought I was joking about the insomnia. Anyway these were just some of my thought processes on the subject. I do not intend to cause insult to anyone who may be reading.
[Note: These are just my opinions. Although I try to remain objective, it is ultimately a subjective issue and I do not question whether mature individuals are really in love. I am merely concerned about how one is supposed to act when they are really in love.]
And if by some sort of divine intervention this song suddenly starts playing on VH1 Soul. I have never heard a song that answers the question so well in musical form.
Remember before you can love anyone else, you must first learn how to love yourself.
Until next time. Be careful when it comes to your foray into the wilderness called love.
As I sit here on holiday trying to catch up with the massive amount of reading I have to do with VH1 Soul on in the background somehow making the task less laborious (Between ESPN and NFL Network, they are the only channels I watch nowadays) as usual my mind begins to race and I feel like writing. You're probably wondering:
"So if this is the case, why doesn't he f***ing blog more frequently?"
I know I always seem to have some sort of excuse but my mistress (my beautiful HP laptop, what can I say I'm a PC) is currently out of commission so I have to keep resorting to using my wifey (my ipod Touch) for any Internet related task. And anyone who has an iphone/touch knows it is not the one for typing.
Although there are other laptops around me they are so inferior that it makes even writing the simplest blog post a herculean task.
Anyway enough with the excuses, since I'm restless and I have been watching VH1 Soul Stage for like the last 5 hours I thought I'd hit you with a classic. Since it is Joe who is currently occupying the stage; I suddenly remembered how much I liked his music.
I remember my relationship to my girlfriend in year 9 which only lasted 3 weeks, I was young and dumb, who as an act of romance left an acapella medley on my voicemail for me to hear when I got back from school. I don't remember every song she took excerpts from but the one I do remember was Joe's - 'I Wanna Know'. She could really sing and I used to listen to it everyday until I forgot to save it as T-mobile deleted voice mails after 3 days in them days.
Although this is not my FMNROW, it does bring back pleasant memories. Joe is currently performing 'Stutter' which I personally feel is one of his best songs. But he is performing the remix version which I feel pales in comparison to the original.
Since I have a lot of free time on my hands and I just love putting on some mellow music and losing myself within my mind I have come to some realizations.
1) One of the major realizations I have come to is that when it comes to looking retrospectively at the relationships with the females I have been involved with and what ultimately led to all the failures was a familiar trend. On recent reflections the reason why certain people would say I have been "unlucky" when it comes to relationships (which is a huge understatement) is because I have the strange knack of always getting involved with girls instead of women. Allow me to clarify. When I refer to a member of our species who is the owner of a double 'x' chromosome as a girl I am referring to their relative emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sometimes sexual immaturity. This is not to square the blame solely on the females I have been with but the difference in maturity has always caused problems. I have yet to female who shares most of my views when it comes to being in a relationship as complicated as they may be. But I know that I will never find what I am looking for inside of a girl pretending to be a woman. I do not know what it is but there must be something about me that continually attracts me to these girls. Nonetheless it is time I start entering into relationships with mature women if I am to have any hope of being in the kind of 'real' relationship that I envisage within my mind.
2) I have been coasting through life for the last three years. I have always been told that I am an individual with massive potential and I think that it went to my head a little bit. I haven't applied myself like I should have physically, academically or spiritually. That is not to say I have not achieved many things over the last three years, I have achieved loads but I could have achieved a whole lot more. I realise now that I have just been getting by on my natural ability and talent and if I am to be truly great and successful I need to start working harder.
3) Being around my cousin and her husband is teaching me more about relationships and more importantly a marriage than I ever have in my 21 years of existence. Seeing first hand what a young couple have to go through to make a marriage work in such testing times shows me the level of commitment I would need to have if I ever did get married.
4) I also have to admit that not everyone I know can be consistently impervious to my straight talking and sometimes just down right rude ways. I have concentrated more on the new friendships I have formed rather than maintaining the ones I already had. I also shy away from real contact because things like Facebook and MSN have made me lazy. It is for all these reasons that I almost lost a very good friend. I have not been a good friend to a number of people recently and I will try my very best to correct this. All I can ask is if I have inadvertently insulted you recently can you please let me know because I thought everyone got my own particular brand of humour but I was gravely mistaken. And to the friend I almost lost I can only apologize once again - I guess I forgot everything you have done for me and the things you put up with and I am sorry if I ever made you feel if you could no longer talk to me or if I no longer listened to you. You are a close friend that I value and I would never intentionally try to alienate you. But next time if I do something wrong can you please let me know in a much less heartless way.
5) Apologizing sincerely to someone is tough. I used to fake apologies just to shut people up and I was very good at faking sincerity. But when it comes to people I truly care about I have to be genuine.
6) I am still adamant that there is something wrong with my object cathexes. I miss no one at the moment. And all the people who think that telling me that they miss me would only insure to give me a big head - shame on you.
7) I need to start paying the music I love more.
8) I am not afraid to fail but for some reason it does seem like I am afraid to even try in the first place.
9) I know I flip-flop from being a breast man to a bum man and back again, but I think am truly a bum man. There ain't nothing sexier than a female with a nice bum which is proportioned to her body. I don't need a girl with a huge back off but a nicely proportioned one would be enough for me.
10) I have been real lazy in terms of my appearance. Like I put no effort into the way I have chosen to present myself recently. This is mostly down to me having to make sacrifices for the last year which prevented me from buying clothes, but this will all change very soon.
11) I really do need to blog more.
12) Roses really do smell like boo hoohooooooooo.
13) I am getting really good when it comes to controlling my sexual urges. I will not disclose how long it has been since I was intimate with a female, but it has been a while and it has barely bothered me. Although this may soon change.
14) There are certain things that have happened to me in my life that I thought I had dealt with but it seems like the result of these life experiences have left me deeper mental scars than I had first acknowledged.
15) For the first time in my life, for the first time of me being on holiday - I have nothing to return home for. In the past I have always had something to return to London for but this is no longer the case. After about 18 years of continuous education I finally graduated from Uni and I am done with institutional education for the time being. So there is no academic reason for me to return. But what about my family I hear you say? Well, the days where I needed to remain in a close proximity to my mum are long gone. She is also starting a new life which is kind of forcing me to start my own. My brothers are both starting university and college respectively this month and no matter how much I may deny it, they are becoming men in their own right and I know they do not need me to oversee them as strictly as I did before. I have no girlfriend to return to (which is actually a good thing). As for my many friends, so much stuff has happened in such a short amount of time that it has placed us all on separate paths. The once naive notion that our paths would always somehow stay intertwined is a dead one. We are all growing up and finding our different vocations in life and it is for this reason that I feel both happy and sad. I am happy because I see people progressing but sad because in reality my attachments to all of you have weakened. This is not a bad thing, it is just a fact of life that everyone has different goals and to attain these goals people have to do what they have to do. For every year that I can remember I always had a friend back home who I was happy to return to because they needed me. But this year there is honestly no one that I feel that needs me so much that I need to return home for them specifically. This is not to say I will not be coming back but it does force me to wonder if my future does reside in London. Right now the only thing tying me there is my T-mobile contract and even that expires this month. I guess it is finally time for me to decide what my goals should be.
16) I don't consider myself a relationship expert in any sense of the word but I have somehow continually found myself in the unwanted position of an agony uncle. People seem to think that I must know a thing or two about relationships because I never seem to have any prolonged drama because of them. This is for the mere fact that I am a straight forward individual and I hate, and I repeat, I HATE drama. I nip it in the bud as soon as I see the weed taking root and drench it in weed killer just as an extra precaution. But however much I try to explain to people that ask for my advice that it will not help unless you are an extreme individual like myself I still find my words falling on deaf ears. But still I give out advice to those who ask for it knowing that my words will be wasted and they will do everything opposite to what I advised them to do and land themselves in the big, stinking, steaming pile of cow drama. And I've had enough. So I will no longer be giving advice to people who I feel cannot carry out what I advise them to do. So do not ask if you do not have the testicular or ovarian fortitude to do as I say, if not then what is the point in you asking for advice in the first place?
