Random yet very revealing thoughts

Hey People,

So just to update you I am currently in Orlando as another stop on my seemingly never ending holiday, although it will be coming to an end real soon. My very generous uncle decided to fly me out here so I could spend some time with him and his family as a graduation present. I finally got to meet my baby cousin who turned one on the weekend and accompanied her to her 1st birthday party. She is actually adorable and will post some pics of her when I transfer the pics to my laptop. The weather is fantastic I must add, I am not used to 30+ degree weather in October. I am still just relaxing and living the life.

But after such a relaxing afternoon I was left alone with my thoughts again and came to a few more realizations.

I am exactly where I expected to be right now. In my obscure life plan I always wanted to graduate when I was 21 and that's really as far as it went. I mean I am not employed or anything but I have never known what I have wanted to do with my life. But after talking to numerous people I have decided that I cannot have a job, I want a career. And in order for that to happen I need to incorporate one or a mixture of my passions in a way where it allows me to earn money. I refuse to get comfortable in a job that I got just because I needed a monthly wage in an area I don't love. I fear that if this does happen then I'll wake up one day when I'm a 30 something male with a wife and two kids wondering where the hell my life went, still in the same unnamed job with no prospects and earning a slightly higher monthly wage. I assume this how most people would have felt sometime during their lives. But the majority still fall into the same trap of getting a job that is only supposed to be momentary, you know pay the bills until you can make your dreams come true sort of thing, but still end up getting comfortable and somehow their dreams get pushed to the backseat when they should be riding shotgun. So I REFUSE to allow this to happen to me. Not the whole getting a job to support myself in the meantime (because Royal Mail here I come) but never forgetting that it is not something I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

So for that reason I have decided something. I am not going to say because (I hope) a couple of my friends read my blog and it essentially kind of impacts them so I am not willing to divulge the information just yet but just letting you know I am in the process of planning something which will have a huge impact on my future.

I have sacrificed for so long now I wonder if it is now okay to stop. I sacrificed my own misconceived rebellious ambitions to please a mother who I love deeply but is never satisfied. I sacrificed my social life to complete my degree. I sacrificed my going shopping and spoiling myself rule for a year and a half just to get the perfect house for my last year of Uni. I sacrificed my own financial security to keep a girlfriend happy who really didn't deserve it. I sacrificed not doing what I really wanted to do 5 years ago to keep my family together after the wake of a tragic and unexpected death. I am not complaining, don't get me wrong, all of these sacrifices lead to positive outcomes in the end, but I have been sacrificing for so long now, especially when it comes to my family that I feel if I carry on it will be eating into life dreams. I do not even know if it is time to stop. I guess I would feel kind of guilty to just start focusing on myself but then again I feel like enough is enough. It is time for me to really start thinking about me and only me.

I am slowly being turned from a PC into a Mac person. They are actually superior to any PC I have used. They still have faults, like the keyboard for instance, but overall they are winning me over.

I realize I have many people that get parts of me, but not me as a whole. Maybe this is the reason I cannot build lasting meaningful relationships. I feel like for this to happen then someone would need to understand the many parts of myself that make up me. I do take responsibility that I can be closed at times but this is just because I feel I haven't met anyone that could handle all of me, but hey how can I know if I don't at least give them a try right? This is not to alienate the people that do get parts of me though. Just want to give a shoutout to my cousin Tinu and my friends Izzy & Shree who I feel truly understand my love for music and the wide ranging affects it has in other areas of my life. Also, I want to give a shoutout to Izzy & Shree again as well as my friend Nadia who all understand that sometimes you have to abandon politically correct behaviour and just be blunt even if it means coming across a little rude. Shouout to Gabrielle who understands that sometimes the best way to deal with people is just not to deal with them at all and can you PLEASE start blogging again. To my many friends who understand my passion for sports, you all make me a better athlete and analyst. But when I find a woman who can understand all my various sides and passions then I just might give this relationship thing a go.

With all the pressure coming from my family recently imploring me to start thinking about settling down and having children - I simply have to say that I am not ready, especially when it comes to having children. I have spent the last week with two 1 year old children and although very adorable they were both absolute handfuls. I am simply not ready. I'd rather have sleepless nights form my insomnia running wild instead of a little one running wild for the time being. On of the babies could even hit such a high note that even Mariah Carey in her prime would have had trouble hitting. I called it the instant headache initiator note. One day I'll be ready; but for now I have other things to focus on.

I think a lot of people are idiots, no seriously.

Time away form London has truly changed me for the better and I honestly feel rejuvenated. Upon my return I will be having some serious discussions with some of my friends in relation to certain aspects of their lives - you've been warned. I've been biting my lips for too long now and its time I start being more proactive instead of reactive.

I see lot of relationship advice being dished out but I don't see many people digesting it.

I am more of a leader than I wanted to accept.

And on that note I bid you adieu, I am seriously exhausted from babysitting.

Soon come.

Back In The Day Record Of The Week

I know some people may raise eyebrows when it comes to my selection for this week. But its just not all about Candy. Cameo had some decent tunes. Although the video is very camp it is still jokes.

Cameo - Back and Forth

Because I could not directly embed the previous video onto my blog I'll select another BIDROW.

To commemorate Whitney Houston's return to music I'm posting a classic.

Black History Month: What It Means To Be Black

I understand it is October and even though I am in America and they choose to celebrate it at a different time I still acknowledge that back home this is the month we have been given to celebrate our own history. Learning of my history is something I take very seriously and will no doubt be dedicating a number of posts to the subject. But I always try to let people know that Black History Month is every month, not just October.

Right now I am going to drop a poem that I caught last year during the BET launch last year for BHM. I saw Jason Nwansi recite a powerful poem of his entitled 'What it Means to Be Black' which really touched my soul. I put off doing this earlier because I felt the actual recital was so powerful and I wanted to upload the video but I could not find it. Luckily, when I was searching for the poem to paste onto this post I saw someone had finally uploaded the video on YouTube just a week ago. I don't know why it took so long but I'm happy someone finally did. Again I feel like divine intervention has a part to play on one of my posts. I feel like the Most High is really smiling down on me today.

Anyway I'll post both the video and written format of the poem:

What it means to be Black by Jason Nwansi

I was asked to write a poem on what it means to be black
But I don't think my words can encapsulate that
The rage that I feel when ignored by black-cabs
I don't think my words can encapsulate that
Constantly over looked coz my complexion don't match
I don't think that words can encapsulate that
And even though I'm non-threatening I'm still viewed as a threat
I don't think that words can encapsulate that.

Black, adjective, of the deepest colour
Relating to the human group having dark coloured skin
Presenting distressing situations in comical terms
Like the fools who make jokes out of racism
Marked by disaster, marked by despair Damilola Taylor left bleeding on stairs
The pages of my dictionary have casually stated
That black is full of anger and hatred
Maybe that's why I can't get a cab
And I keep getting stopped by police and that
Plus it's more likely that I'll be shot or stabbed
That's called NEO-RACISM where BLACKS hate BLACKS BLACK ON BLACK CRIME, rolling with nines
So solid crew got the blame for a while
Under represented in all institutions
LIBERALS LIP SERVICE and look for solutions

Forgive me for stating uncomfortable facts
But for deeper understanding we must look back
A whip sounding from silence a thunderous "CRACK!"
I don't think that words can encapsulate that
Lacerations that perforate this young slaves back
I don't think that words can encapsulate that
Sleeping in my own faeces with a plague of rats
I don't think that words can encapsulate that
In the belly of a slave ship that wont turn back
I don't think that words can encapsulate that
I've gone from a King to Cattle in the space of a week
No wife home nor land, I morn I weep, I'm weak
I'm feeling home sick so I cant eat, I'm meek
These Iron-cuffs have created sores that seep
I've been Robbed of my robes, given strange clothes,
This place is a market; I'm now to be sold
This man has his hands on my testicles
Traded besides a woman that I do not know
The sunshine radiates her skin just glows
She cry's all the time of a pain untold
Robbed of her Virginity, Dignity and Soul
I offered her comfort, her hands were so cold
I am FEAR-INSTILLED, Man's Property still BREEDING with strangers against my WILL
FORCED to behave or my blood will SPILL
The MASTERS A MONSTER I've seen him KILL
If I accept this now will this ever STOP?
In future will our Children be strangled or shot?
Decorations from Oak Trees for Villainous MOBS
Or will WHITE faces greet us and hope we've forgot
I was asked to write a poem on what it means to be black

But I don't think my words can encapsulate that

LOVE?

It has been a tension filled week people. You would think being on holiday means you wouldn't have to deal with any stress. But since I've been on holiday for 2 months now I guess it was sort of unavoidable. Anyway, since my insomnia is running rampant and I'm watching VH1 Soul I thought I should blog to release some stress.


This topic has been on my mind a lot recently because my relatives have stepped up in their intensity to find me a suitable Nigerian wife. The audacity! They think because I am 21 and because I have a degree under my belt that there is now no excuse for me not to start looking for a wife. I try to let them know that I have a lot more to accomplish before I even start looking for a wife but my words fall on deaf ears. It has even gotten so deep that one over involved aunty tricked me into coming to her house just so she could set me up with the young lady who was doing her hair. She then proceeded to embarrass the young lady by asking questions like "Do you not think my nephew is handsome?". "You two should get together sometime". "Tell me, do you like him?" all within 2 minutes of us meeting each other. I quickly told her she didn't need to answer any questions and scolded my aunty for making her feel uncomfortable. Although I did later commend my aunty for actually picking a pretty young lady, who was articulate, career driven and had a body to die for. No honestly my mouth literally dropped when I got to view the entirety of her body. At least she found someone who I could be compatible with; which is a lot more than I can say for the "potential wives" other relatives had picked out for me. I should note though - to any reader that I might have mislead, I am not from a family that believe in arranged marriages. Its just for some reason they're putting the job in their hands because I continually tell them that I do not expect to get married. Something which is the closest thing to heresy when it comes to traditional Nigerian thinking.

Forgive me, I am losing focus. Back to the post at hand.

When I say love, I mean intimate love. Love between a man and a woman (or two people of the same sex if you swing that way) who are not related. I know its a not great definition but it is such an ambiguous term that it causes problems when it comes to defining it, but I'm sure you know what I mean. If not just go get a dictionary.

As a young boy I, like many other people, was always curious about this thing called "Love". I mean - What exactly is it? Does it really exist? How can it have such varying effects on people? And probably most importantly - How will I know if I am in love? These are questions I still struggle to come to terms with today. I still find the whole thing........troublesome (I have now moved onto the Shippuden stage in my Shikamaru way of life). But from this young age I decided to start weighing up the different answers, arguments and debates from an objective standpoint. Unsurprisingly, it led me growing up cynical when it came to any matter involving "love".

My early interactions with this troublesome emotion came vicariously through my friend's early relationships. I was not the ladies man I am now back then (okay I'm not even a ladies man now) so I would look at my 14-16 year old friends in absolute disgust whenever they claimed they were "in love". How could anyone at such a young age claim to be in love? Despite my objections the majority adamantly argued that they were in fact in love. It was at this time that I realised the word was overused, misunderstood, said loosely, exaggerated and underestimated all at the same time. I also witnessed how these same people would use the same word as justification for such insane behaviour that in a world run by myself; it would immediately lead to mandatory incarceration in a mental institution. If anything, such behaviour just reinforced my somewhat hostile attitude towards "love". Even now I find it funny that certain peers of mine cannot differentiate being in love from being utterly stupid, I'm sure some would preach that there is no difference.

I often wonder if love would mean the same things if it wasn't consumed by the beast called the mass culture industry. Think about it we have films, books, music, holidays, gifts, TV shows etc. all trying to show us what exactly love is and how it should be expressed but at the end of the day it is all to turn a profit. If we had none of these things, would we still love the same? My opinion is that we wouldn't. I only bring this up because I believe this is where most of my generation get their vision of love from.

It is for this reason I have never told any female that I was involved with that I "was in love with them". Not because I was stubborn, but just because I still didn't know what it meant to be in love. It has been said to me a few times but I never truly believed any female that did reveal this information to me. I am sure you can imagine the fallout with me not responding and after much nagging me just plainly saying "Well. I don't feel that way yet." But I do believe I am perfectly placed to know whether or not I am in love in the future. Hear me out.

I feel I have experienced every emotion that could be misinterpreted as "love". I have had crushes, really liked girls, I have been infatuated, obsessed and lustful amongst many other things. So through the process of trial and error the only real emotion left is love right? I may be wrong but because I've felt these other emotions the next valid emotion I feel must be love, using the process of elimination. I don't know, it still perplexes me. I do not claim to know exactly what love is, which is probably the reason why I am so afraid of it. Yeah, I'll admit it, I am afraid of this thing called "love". But after seeing the so called affects it has on people who wouldn't be.

I even hate the phrase "I think I am falling in love with you". It just highlights the danger and feeling of helplessness most people associate with love. If there is one feeling I can't stand, it is being helpless. As a mature individual that does not want a "conventional" relationship. And by conventional I mean the misguided bullshit they portray love to be in movies, which for some reason is the type of relationship most girls want. However the realist in me will not allow me to succumb to such fantastical and romanticized portrayals of love. I'd rather "rise in love" with someone than fall. Falling always involves some sort of pain. But rising shows growth and control. I am the master of my emotions, they are not the master of me. And I feel anyone that tells me they are falling are secretly telling me this.

I'm sure people who read my blog but don't know me will think "Damn, you are such a pessimist". Trust me it is nothing I haven't heard before. I have had many arguments with starry-eyed people who believe because of my views I am a scrooge. Maybe Andre was right, maybe I am Love Hater. But I refuse to be like the other people I see, destroyed by people they thought they loved because love is such an easy excuse for inexcusable behaviour. I guess I'm just trying to safeguard myself and remain sane against an emotion, chemical reaction or whatever you want to call it, which clearly causes people to lose their rationality. I do not believe love should make you crazy. I believe people do crazy things and use love as an excuse because of its ambiguous nature. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle and will unfortunately fall prey to the same red eyed monster that has consumed so many. But I guarantee you one thing, I'll put up one hell of a fight before I succumb.


I know this post will probably make no sense and has no clear cohesive argument. I have just been writing out random thoughts. I blame it on not sleeping properly in almost 3 days. Yeah you guys must have thought I was joking about the insomnia. Anyway these were just some of my thought processes on the subject. I do not intend to cause insult to anyone who may be reading.


[Note: These are just my opinions. Although I try to remain objective, it is ultimately a subjective issue and I do not question whether mature individuals are really in love. I am merely concerned about how one is supposed to act when they are really in love.]


And if by some sort of divine intervention this song suddenly starts playing on VH1 Soul. I have never heard a song that answers the question so well in musical form.

Remember before you can love anyone else, you must first learn how to love yourself.

Until next time. Be careful when it comes to your foray into the wilderness called love.