I Guess It Was Kind Of My Fault As Well

You know the routine. I apologise for not blogging for a while. You express your anger and disappointment. You say this is the last time and you will be leaving for good this time. I give you the old wink and smile and watch you slowly become putty in my hands. You reluctantly give into me and make me promise I won't make you wait so long anymore. I promise but I secretly have my fingers crossed behind my back. So lets skip all that today and just get to what I have on my mind since that's what you're here for.


While I was catching up on the few debate/discussion pages I am fan of on Facebook I came across something very interesting. I detest the mass numbers of newly made 'Facebook philosopher's' opinions I have to read on a daily basis but once in a while you come across someone who actually has a good critique of social behaviour that it makes me want to stand and clap in front of my laptop screen. Also because I have been struggling with ideas for posts at the moment this was great inspiration. The discussion had to do with the supposed problem between black men and women having successful relationships.

"Among other things, the problem is the psychopathic game of impression management that's played between the genders. Everybody presents themselves as either flawless or flawed-less. Every failed relationship they've ever had is always because of the other person. Very few people own up to their own personal role in damaged relationships. And when people in front of us present themselves in this way, we usually take it as "wow, this person is quite a catch". We don't realize that we're the next contestant and predesignated winner of the "it's all your fault" competition."


This short but amazing passage really struck a chord within me because I was so guilty of this same kind of impression management that it made me extremely embarrassed. Humans are beings that will always try to exonerate themselves of blame or fault when it comes to any given situation, especially relationships. It's very hard for a person to raise their hand and admit when something was their fault. I mean it's blindingly obvious why people don't, especially when it comes to relationships. We all seem to ride the excuse bandwagon from time to time. How seriously would you take someone who openly admitted to their defects and mistakes when it came to their previous engagements with the opposite sex? The thing is, aside from the obviously psychotic, people who do this honestly should be commended. Doing such a thing shows development and acknowledgement of prior mistakes with the intent of correcting them. Long gone are the days when I used to portray myself as almost perfect, my track record with females renders that implausible. I always say that the first thing that would cross my mind if I met a seemingly amazing female who was single would not be "wow I'm so lucky" but "What are you hiding from me? Because someone so amazing can't possibly be single for no reason, she must be crazy." Unfortunately I failed to look at my self in the same cynical light. I'm not crazy or anything but I have my fair share of flaws that have led to the dissolution of a few relationships.

 So because I love my blog and I keep no secrets from her; here is a list of some of my flaws that have led to my repeated failures in relationships. Yes I'm going to be brave and raise my hand up.




My emotional unavailability. This is probably my biggest flaw. I don't know why but I have a problem accessing and thus expressing my emotions. I find it even harder to provide emotional support for people. I am not the person to come to if you need some consolation or pity. Unfortunately most females need this emotional support for any potential relationship to blossom, so you see my dilemma. But the females I encounter are happy at first to wait for the emotional and settle for the physical as a temporary substitute. But like my youth spent waiting for Santa... it never comes. I portray myself to be an open book but I have recently admitted to myself that I'm never really open when it counts. I guess certain females that walked away from me figured this out before I did.

My sometimes hectic schedule. My life switches between being slow a serene to fast and hectic without a moments notice. For this reason I often find it hard to squeeze females I am seeing into my weekly plans. I have a clear set of priorities and I am not known to clear my schedule just to see someone, I would already have to be free which is difficult because I am rarely given advance warning when I need to travel somewhere. I guess if I had to sum up it would be my inability to be flexible. Being honest, in my list of priorities females are not at the top of it. Neither are they in the middle.


My laid back attitudes when it comes to argumentsSupposedly getting angry shows you care? Anyway, my laissez faire attitude has led to many less than amicable relationship terminations.



My close female friends. I seem to friend zone females very easily (Yes, guys can do the friend zone thing as well) just to save everyone some trouble. Out of these I have come to acquire some of my closest and most trusted confidantes. Somehow some females become confused when they see I have numerous relationships with females that are purely platonic and they start becoming a little paranoid. My female friends are also impossibly hard to please and any choice I make on a potential partner is never the right one. Where I messed up was explicitly telling potentials that there was a hierarchy and for the foreseeable future my female friends in most situations would come before them. Next time I know just to keep my mouth shut and deal with things on an individual basis rather than indirectly make a female think she has no chance in ever getting close to me.




I'm kind of a Freudian. I have often been criticised for over thinking situations. Due to my psychological background and high level of education I can't help but look at things from angles people wouldn't realise to think from. Sometimes I can't help but psychoanalyse someone. I often get carried away and create situations for no reason.


My reluctance to give in to unreasonable demands. I often see my friends in their relationships  give into to the silliest of demands all in the name of "compromise".  My friend Eric had something to say about this word. I agree it is an essential part of any relationship but there is a difference between compromise and giving into neurotic insecurities. I strongly believe that any silly behaviour that isn't immediately discouraged is encouraged. Before you know it you would have stopped talking to all your friends just because your partner asked you too. Nonsense.
Unfortunately I am a firm advocate of "it's either my way or the highway..." it is the one area I can honestly say I am a control freak.

I'm not the "Break up, make up" type. This is pretty self explanatory. I'm more of a "You only get one chance" type of guy. There is a word associated with a couple that everyone else can see should just call it quits - Weaklings. And I'll be damned if I ever become such a person. Unfortunately I could have potentially lost out on some great relationships just because of my stubborn refusal to fight for a female.



That's it for now. Can't be bothered to look at myself in such a critical light any longer. I urge all my readers to "raise their hands" and admit to the things they had done that led to certain relationships never working out. Obviously you don't have to do it in such a public way of course.


Sidenote: For the purposes of this post the term "relationship" has been used very loosely to describe any interaction I have had with a female that started with the desire to get to know each other and hoped it would lead to something more. I have no problem meeting females, it just never gets to the actual relationship stage. I don't want you guys thinking I'm one of those insecure serial daters who is afraid to be alone. I have only ever been in one proper relationship and the less said about that the better.

Peace out.

The Experiment: Concluded

This post is long overdue.

I was supposed to write three posts detailing my thoughts and feelings after the failure of my experiment. I put it off for a long time because the first "denial" post was just nonsense. It was incoherent and pointless. But I just could not articulate how I felt. And I still can't.

As a writer (can I really call myself that?) it infuriates me when I can't take my feelings and thoughts and transfer them to a physical/digital medium exactly how I want them to. So for that reason I decided not to bother writing the "Acceptance?" and "Relapse" posts I had planned.

It has been difficult. Letting someone go is not always as easy as I make it seem. I had to admit to myself I needed to actually get over "my experiment". It wasn't love, far from it. But it was the role she fulfilled that I miss the most. A vessel which I could use when my own body could not take any more of my own fears, opinions. feelings, frustrations, creativity, anger etc. I am not lying when I say that most of the time this is all over flowing within me. Eventually it all became too much for her. Understandable

I go through all the stages every week. But like they say time is a healer but damn is it slow. And because none of my friends have been available for me to have a proper talk about this, my blog is the only way I can really work through my feelings. Guess I need better friends. But I'm sure it's just me.


Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry if this didn't make sense. My creativity is abstract.

Wishing successful experiments to all my readers.

The Annual Friendship Performance Review

It's that time of year again people. The time for the 'culling' of friends. I think it's a good idea that people do a little "spring-cleaning" in the summertime when it comes to friends. Usually I like to be callous and lock people off with a very direct phone call or Facebook message. But usually I just lock people off in my head without giving the person any notification and carry on with my life. These people have probably already chosen to flutter off anyway so why give them the satisfaction of a formal termination I say.

One of my reasons for my micro melancholia at times is the fact I don't have someone like myself which fulfils the role I fill for a lot of my friends, for me. Kanye moment. I'm not saying I'm the best (but I'm the best) although I do have a good mix of interpersonal skills that can be of great benefit to any potential friend. I do feel that I always make the people around me better, just call me the MVP of the Friendship League. While on my journey of continuous self improvement, I thought to myself how could I be fairer in choosing who I terminate when it comes to the exclusive Michael Ogundare friend contract. People have often complained that the callousness of my actions never leaves the terminated party with any choice in whether they agree with the termination or if they should be given a probationary period in which to improve. Thus the idea for the 'Friendship Performance Review' suddenly came to me.

You get performance reviews at work and if you consistently are marked as under performing then you will eventually receive your P45. So why shouldn't the same logic of using a professional means to assess performance be used in an equally important sphere?

So I am currently 'reviewing' my inner circle of friends and if they receive a less than stellar overall grade then I will sit down and discuss with them the areas in which they could improve. I know this all sounds long and overly unnecessary but I really like the idea and it seems like it will make some of my friendships stronger. Also the feeling of locking off a dead weight friend in such a professional manner is exhilarating. Try it. This isn't only a one way street either. Encourage your friends to review you and tell you where they think you could improve.

This may revolutionize how people maintain their relationships because we all know that though there are more ways to communicate than ever before, we still struggle to have real communication. If you want to be sneaky like I am you can your friends questions without telling them they are actually being 'reviewed' then suddenly come out with a document/conversation telling them of the outcome of their review.

Good friendships to all.

Can Someone Answer This Question For Me?

I've been trying to answer this question for a while now. Still no luck.




I think the song is amazing. So simple but yet it manages to capture a feeling many people would struggle to put into words let alone making it into a song. Absolutely love the video.

Things I Miss...

There's something about Sunday nights that always put me in a reflective mood. Tonight I thought about all the things I had gained which logically led me to think about all the things I have lost. So here's a list of everything I miss:


I miss my JanJan. There hasn't been a single second since you walked away that I haven't felt like this. I guess I'm the fool.

I miss my nephew. I even miss the nephew I haven't met yet.

I miss my American family. Hope you guys are doing good without me.

I miss my childhood.

I miss my childhood friends.

I miss the relationship I had with Sandra.

I miss the relationship I had with Nadia.

I miss the relationship I had with Neese.

I miss Glory.

I miss Ann Marie. GET A CLUE! IN FACT MAKE IT A BLUE ONE!

I miss my life in Brighton.

I miss good music.

I miss my dad.

I miss the days when I had no responsibilities.

I miss the days when things were simple.

I miss running.

I miss sleep.

I miss my childhood TV shows. They were so much better than the garbage on nowadays.

I miss being 16.

I miss being 21 even more.

I miss sleeping in a double bed.

I miss a female body being beside me in a double bed.

I miss Chappelle's Show. Nothing short of genius.

I miss coaching my kids.

I miss having free time.

I miss my ipod.

I miss the old me. Don't get me wrong this new guys is great but he can't hold a candle to the old me.

I'm Tired Of Being Ostracised For Not Having A BlackBerry

I remember a time when people used to frolic in the sunshine. Friends used to arrange to meet up and engage in the real world. Couples would break up face to face. This stuff still happens but with the advent of smart phones and social networking all these wonderful things are at an all time low. I've lived through a number of fads in my short life. Go Go's, Yo-Yo's, Pokemon Cards, Tamagotchi's etc. But there is a new; enduring fad that has gripped the "urban" population and it has a stranglehold that does not seem like loosening anytime soon. I am talking about the dreaded CrackBerry better known as the BlackBerry.

I don't hate the phone per se, its just the effect it has on people that really pisses me off. This has made me even more reluctant to join the craze. I was first introduced to the behavioural changing powers of the BlackBerry back in a chance encounter back in February of '09. Since I'm not a romantic I decided to have a valentine's day meal with my two good friends Ann Marie and Gloria. I hadn't see either of them in a while and was quite excited to spend some time with the both of them. However, Ann Marie's hands seemed to be super glued to this little black device that was making all manner of noises. She barely looked up the whole night, even to eat. It put a dampener on the whole evening. That was the beginning of my dislike for the BlackBerry. I have come to realise that this little device was in fact a dangerous disease in disguise, which has now spread to pandemic proportions. Where people once talked, they now BBM/ping each other. Where people once asked for each other's numbers, they now ask for their BB pins. These are just smaller symptoms of the actual real problem - which is the erosion of real interactions. Something Ms Christiana was talking of since last year. I thought it was all an exaggeration but now I see the light. How can I tell someone we need to catch up and they reply by asking if I have Skype? What happened to meeting at a bar or restaurant to meet up, you know in the real world. Why must we frequently interact on the digital plane?

Why is it that two people can be standing right next to each other but they won't open their god given mouths - no -talking is too 08. We're in 2010 now and BBM is the future of human communication. This might be good for espionage but not for freaking daily interactions. I cannot tell you how many people have inadvertently nearly walked in to me because they are walking with their heads down typing on their BB's. WTF is so important that you can't even watch where you are going? Neither can I tell you the amount of near fatal car crashes I have been in because one of my friends wants to ping and drive at the same time. Surely if talking on the phone is illegal then typing on should be too. Dave I hope you're reading. Get it sorted mate.

The look of shock horror I receive when a female asks for my pin and I have to respond by saying I don't have one. Its even worse when people assume you have one and when you don't, you're treated as some sort of social leper.

On a technical level the BlackBerry seems to be a sub par phone anyway. Its only major selling point seems to be the BlackBerry Messenger. The 3g connection and web browser are head bashingly slow even on the more powerful Bold. They seem to be prone to various hardware faults as well as the software malfunctions. How many times have you heard someone saying the track pad/ball has stopped working or all their contacts have mysteriously been erased when trying to update? I'm just sick of all of it. People are too connected now a days, how I miss the days when you were forced to deal with awkward moments instead of having an escape chute in the form of a BB. Everywhere I look people are assuming the position: hands clasped tightly round a black rectangular device, head lowered and eyes transfixed on the screen. On road, in a rave, at work, everywhere people are pinging which I'm sure most of which is mindless chatter anyway. The endless alerts and vibrations really jar me. Come on is it really worth having something that is as technically reliable as an old British Leyland automobile? Which when it starts faltering (and it definitely will) will leave you having withdrawal symptoms the same as a hardcore crack fiend?

What's even worse is when you try to engage in a conversation with someone that is completely engrossed in their BlackBerry. They don't even look up to reply to you. Like WTF happened to eye contact? The whole BB community also seems to be a playground for highly sexualised 20 somethings to engage in sordid interactions. It is like a mini and digital form of Ayia Napa.

I remember when BlackBerrys were the sole possesion of upwardly mobile business professionals. Lets return to those days. I'm more of an iphone man anyway.

Freedom from the disease that is the CrackBerry for all!

Faithful.

I'm an observer. And one thing from my observations that I just cannot seem to grasp is the nonchalant attitude some of my male peers have when it comes to being faithful. I am not a preacher so I'm not in the business of telling people that morally; what they are doing is wrong. Like I said I'm an observer which means I make sure the person fully understands the consequences of their actions and then when it all blows up in their face I sit and watch them formulate every excuse under the sun as to why they should not be held accountable for their actions. So this will not be a post arguing that being unfaithful is wrong, that is a relative question which serves little purpose. Rather this will be a post trying to explain the behaviour of my peers from my own unique perspective and the hypocritical excuses I have heard over the years.

I have never cheated on any female I have been involved with. A statement that I'm sure will be met with scepticism but I'm being serious. When you take into account that I have ever only been in one serious (semi) serious relationship it suddenly doesn't become that hard to believe. Although it was a disastrous relationship that many people would not have blamed me if I did cheat but I still didn't. I'm such a man of principle that I stayed unhappy than do the normal (scumbag) course of action and cheat on my girlfriend when she is pissing me off or slacking on her girlfriend duties. If I ever did feel the uncontrollable urge to cheat on a partner I'd like to think I'd be man enough to call them up and break things off. Its still deep but its better than the alternative and at least I'd have a clear conscience.

From the male perspective of my generation of my generation there are many reasons to start on a course of infidelity. Over the years I have been able to watch many relationships form and dissolve and I still can't get to grips with certain behaviours. As with any relationship; there are good times and then there are bad times. But you also have latent times when a relationship is not good nor bad, it's just normal when the two participants are so comfortable with each other it seems like they are standing still. I guess cheating when stuff is bad is understandable but it is still a cop out in my eyes. It's the infidelity at the good or latent periods I just cannot get my head around.

The most prevalent behavioural pattern I have identified is that males feel some sort of entitlement to have as many females as they so choose. There seems to be no sense of guilt or remorse when a guy has a girlfriend he repeatedly cheats on because as far as their justification goes - "it's just what guys do." They love their main partner but they still want other females, it should be an understandable desire. I know this is not very clear but no one who I have tried to get an explanation out of could give me a straight answer - it is supposedly a kind of instinctual urge.

Another pattern is more commonly used amongst males that have been in a relationship for more than a year or so. They have been fine and never tempted. But there seems to come a point when these guys need to find out "if they still have it." So they tell themselves engaging in a new relationship while already in one is just to get the dust off their skills of attraction. But surely this shouldn't matter if you already have the one you love right? Which means they worked very well and you don't need anymore test subjects.

Within this pattern is the need for new female attention which very few guys will own up to needing. Everyone likes a bit of attention form the opposite sex once in a while but for a specific few this is a need akin to a crack head needing his next fix. Dramatic? I think not. It is an insatiable need for female attention that can never be fully quenched by a solitary female. I'm sure this sort of behaviour can be traced back to infantile mummy issues but I could not care less.

There are many more of these behavioural patterns I could describe but I don't want to be here all night. So the final one I will detail is the one I've witnessed on the "boys group holiday". You know the ones I'm talking about: The one where a guy and a few of his friends goes to a morally questionable sexual holiday destination. You know the places: Miami, Amsterdam, Napa, Brazil etc. The justification for this is that there will no doubt be single males on this trip who will be enjoying life to the full and he wouldn't want to miss out on the fun just because you have a silly little thing called a girlfriend. Further justification is the use of the following mantra@

"Whatever happens in (insert name of morally questionable sexual holiday destination) stays in (insert name of morally questionable sexual holiday destination)."

Besides there is always a little bit of competition on such holidays and committed males will eventually be dragged into showing how well they can compete. To all my female readers that have partners who have been on or are going on such holidays and feel that their better half has no intention of being unfaithful I have to say you are sadly deluded. Okay so I don't want to be the cause of numerous break ups so I will accept that there maybe 5% of males who do not have this inclination and hopefully your partner falls within this percentile.

But these are all excuses to me. And the hypocrisy rears its ugly head when these males were asked how they would react if they found out their girl was cheating. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to assume that the replies ranged from moral outrage to physical violence. But as I say the majority of this generation is mentally ill and hopefully through little wake up calls like this, as a whole we can start getting better.

Cheating for me is the infantile behaviour reserved for men who are morally and principally too weak to engage in adult relationships. But I ain't about to purely bash on my own species. Females are guilty of all the same things I have mentioned. A few months ago I met a smart female who admitted that she was once like me. She proceeded to give me one of those laughs you give to people after they've made a naive/idealist statement. It startled me because I wondered if I could one day cave in on my principles and justify cheating as a careless action as she did. That's what intelligent people do when they cave in on a principle that they thought was steadfast. They justify it by fully embracing and undermining the severity of the action. Just take it from me and don't continue to to call them a 'scumbag' because even though they accept what they did was wrong, they don't like to be chastised for it.

Fortunately one of my greatest strengths is that I am a man of principle. I'm a little old fashioned like that. There are just certain things I will not bend on and faithfulness is one of them. I think it goes back to my younger days when I used to watch Ricki Lake and Jerry Springer to fill the gap between watching the CBBC/CITV late afternoon lineup. Seeing the emotional devastation that ensued after the confession of sexual infidelity always shocked me. Even though at a young age I never fully understood what sex was I knew it wasn't anything to be taken lightly when a partner and/or family was involved. I knew from a young age I never wanted to be the reason to cause such hurt to a fellow human being because of such an action. Most of all, I'd detest being called a scum bag as well.

Reading back on this post I know I said I wouldn't try to give a moral opinion on unfaithfulness but it's clear I failed. I'm sorry I just cannot respect people who cheat. It's just the way I've been conditioned. And to anyone who may have taken insult by indirectly being called a scum bag because they have cheated, please do not take my words too seriously. I also think anybody that supports Liverpool FC is a scumbag. It's just a word, whatever connotations you add to it is purely your own doing. I know its hard being committed to a single person in such an environment and I know the smart ones will use African culture that saw nothing wrong with polygamy and western social conditioning as arguments, which I fully understand and agree with but this may be used by stupid people to further justify their actions without really understanding what these arguments mean. It's because of people like this that I truly believe the mantle of 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' means nothing.

Lets just be faithful to one another. A relationship should be a serious thing. Why do people act like its not?

Happy mental health to all.

Tunes Of The Month

I LUV music....

Admitting You're Not The Finshed Article

Almost a whole month without a post is truly disgusting and I sincerely apologise. But between working full time, going gym, coaching and playing American football I have no time left. I barely sleep anymore. But they say good things come to those to wait.

This blog topic has been on my mind for a while now. Thinking back to my younger days sometimes I kind of get blown away by how much my whole way of thinking has changed. As a teenager you could not tell me anything. That is no understatement. I was opinionated, hard headed, arrogant and always thought I was right. Some of you comedians will think "well whats changed?" and you guys can go hang yourselves. Moving on. . . needless to say I thought I was perfect. A delusion I have since cured myself of but I have seen it permeate into wider society as of late. I think its a necessary stage of development that a lot of young people have a sense of entitlement, grandeur and infallibility. But in my opinion, if this is still the same issue when someone is 21+ then there is a real problem. It should be obvious that being a young adult there is still a lot of growing to do. Unless certain people are seriously trying to tell me they got it right first time round? I've observed that some people absolutely refuse to look at themselves in a critical light. I'm sure these people would stop short of calling themselves perfect but if you'r explicitly saying there is nothing wrong with you, then implicitly you're saying what?

I know I've got a long way to go in life and this current version of me will probably unrecognisable to the me in 20 or so years. Life is all about developing and progressing. How you see certain things now doesn't mean that's how it should be forever. It is a lot like the theory of falsifiability. People just have to admit that they could be wrong and use it as a stepping stone to develop themselves.

I know a few people will think "well you can never be the finished article!" which maybe true, but I'd rather get as close to it as I possibly can than being a stagnant human being. And to me there is no way you can be the finished article in your early twenties.

Whenever I read or hear about relationship drama and the opposite sex is always asking where a good man is I'm quick to say "I'M HERE!" I'm sure I am not the only one, we all think we're great people. But sometimes we're not as great as we may think. I'm not saying I'm a bad guy, just that I admit that to be a truly good man I have someway to go. So I admit right now I'm not the finshed article, but one day soon enough I will be.

So to my readers: Can you admit to yourself that you're not the finished article?

I'm No Relationship Expert...

No seriously. I kid you not. This really should have been a point in my previous post but I felt this point need to be expounded upon. I do not know why I personally get asked questions I know very little about. Ask me about Freudian psychoanalysis, Black History, LOST or Marxism and I'll be in my element, but ask about relationships and I'll be stumped - they are just not my thing. I hate talking or giving advice on subjects I have very little knowledge about. But yet I am still asked for advice? I can only deduce that people ask me because they know I am a "straight up and straight talking" kind of guy. I tell it exactly how it is and don't beat around the bush.

I guess you would think this would make me successful when it came to my endeavours with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I am a huge and utter FAILURE. No seriously. One of the biggest gripes I have with my generation is the mass production of 'Dear Janes and Johns' (although this is a majority female dominated field). People are dishing out relationship advice even when it is not requested. I'm part of a generation who feel entitled to speak on any topic they want to with minimal amount of research done. Pure speculation, hearsay, conjecture and opinions. Purely polemic. How do you reason with a generation that think they are right about everything? Personally, in an Ogundare-run Britain I would ban single people from giving relationship advice. I know, idealist and a little totalitarian but let me get back to reality. If you are a perennially single person who always has troubles in love and relationships what exactly qualifies you to be a 'relationship expert'? The last girl I was involved with dished out this advice like nobodies business, but she couldn't even manage a civil conversation with me yet alone a relationship but she was endorsing herself like a book featured on Oprah.

Last year I wrote in a blog post that I would no longer be giving relationship advice to people that I did not feel had the necessary "testicular fortitude" needed to carry out my advice. This was only half the story. I had realised that I could not be giving out advice on something I have never been successful at? How many failed business entrepreneurs are giving lectures right now on how their business plans failed to get off the ground for big bucks? Like I said I'm a failure when it comes to relationships and I HATE failing - at anything. But I have to admit this obvious truth. So please do not rely on me to give you tips on how to have a successful relationship. However, if you want advice on how to self destruct your relationship into a million pieces and make sure your ex holds a grudge against you for an indefinite amount of time.... THEN I AM YOUR MAN!

The only thing I can do is warn you if I feel that your decisions or actions may lead to more trouble in the long run because I am expert in that. Just be real. But like I've said before I seem to be one of the few rational people in a generation full of delusional love-loving agony aunts and uncles. But I fear I am fighting a losing battle. People will have a sense of entitlement regardless. Guess I need to speed up my plans for world domination.

To be honest I don't think I will ever understand why humans yearn for sexually exclusive heterosexual (or gay/bi-sexual) companionship. I guess it is one of the few areas you could call me socially awkward in.


(Un)happy relationships to all.

It seems like the ideals of "common sense" and a "relationship" are mutually incompatible. Guess this is where I've been going wrong. - Michael Ogundare

It's Summer Outside But On The Inside I'm Going Through The Coldest Winter

Sometimes I feel like Kanye is the only one that really understands.







My memories are killing me slowly. JK
Guess I need to wait for Spring

You People Have Me Confused

I thought I should commit a blog post to clear up a few inaccuracies and misconceptions people seem to continuously have about me.

1) I am NOT an atheist. I know I am fairly outspoken when it comes to mass organized religion but please don't confuse this as an attack on your own personal spirituality. I do believe in a higher spiritual entity, whatever it may be, but I just don't believe in these western monotheistic religion's conception of God. Sorry. People seem to think that you need religion to access spirituality which in my opinion is a dangerous ideal to propagate. I am deeply spiritual, it's just not in a way you can categorize.

2) Following on from that: I am NOT Muslim. For some reason people seem to think I am Muslim. Maybe it is because I shave my head and do have a slightly unmanageable beard but this surely does not mean I am a Muslim. It is a lot easier for me in my hectic schedule to just shave my head so I don't have to worry about and besides I like the look. I think the rugged image suits me from time to time but from now on I will try harder to keep things looking trim and proper.

3) You confuse me as someone who has an interest in politics but I have NO interest in being a politician. I started a love affair with Government and Politics ever since I took it as an A-Level way back when. I think it is a major disadvantage that the majority of my generation I have happened to come in contact with know little to almost nothing on how our political system works. To date there has only ever been two people I could talk politics to on a deep level. My political views are controversial to say the least but I just want to thank everyone who said they would back me if I ever ran for PM. Although I fear this country is not ready for my brand of governance. I do feel the majority of politicians are inept and despicable characters and the current political system only seems to keep putting the same kind of idiots into public office. So until there is a change in the system and therefore a change in what it means to be a politician I'm just going to hold back. But still.................................OGUNDARE 2015 (Or someday)



4) I do NOT have a problem with females that wear weave. I just think its silly that its biggest consumers make little or no money from it. Makes no sense, I've heard even Brazilians have entered into this hair foray. As long as it looks good and it doesn't look like any dead animal has been hot-glued onto your scalp I have no complaints. Although I am extremely attracted to females who have the confidence to rock their short hair in a natural way. We all don't need to conform to the European beauty ideal.

5) I am NOT some militant black power revolutionary. Not yet anyway. I find it really stupid that to profess a love for Black people and the problems we face people think you have to fall into the aforementioned category. This is not some blind love either. For all the things that are great about us I know we face some difficult and deeply entrenched problems. But I believe these can be over come with (re)education of self. So the next time you wonder why I'm interested in "all that Black stuff" just remember the answer is simple: BECAUSE I'M BLACK FOOL!

6) When it comes to females I've been involved with I DON'T lie. I am not a womanizer, even if I wanted to I couldn't be. It seems I can't even stand next to a female without someone thinking I have already "been" with her. I am a straight up guy and if I have told you before that I haven't been with a particular female PLEASE BELIEVE ME. Don't ask me a few months later expecting a different reply. I guess I should be kind of flattered that people have such faith in my "mating" skills but to be honest I'm a bit of a shy guy.

7) YES I am a bum guy, I cant deny. I have a supreme weakness for a girl with a nice backoff. Now I don't need someone like Bria Myles (although it would be nice) but something nice and proportional to the girl's frame does me fine. Obviously this doesn't come before whats in the girl's head but the addition of a nice bum is a deal clincher for me. Because its all good if you got a bum full of junk but whats the point if your head is filled with the same?

8) I am NOT against marriage. I just feel when people think about this sacred institution all they talk of is the ceremony, honeymoon and the good times. I am not as disillusioned. Being around a young married couple last year showed me how much hard work and dedication goes into maintaining a successful marriage. If everyone else realised this then maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

9) I DO have love for my Nigerian sisters. But you females think way too far ahead when you meet me. I know you are under immense familial pressure to get married and have kids and the majority of you have it planned out to the finest detail. Regardless, I don't like being rushed. Just because we're both Nigerian does not mean we have to be together and my supposed light skin should not be treated as some kind of novelty. I recently heard a statistic that said that every 1 out of 6 Black people you meet will be Nigerian. Which means there are plenty of Nigerian males out there, just be patient but I'm sure this will fall on def ears. Sorry if this made me sound big headed. I know I talk about Ghanaian girls a lot but I still got love for my sisters.

10) I DO want kids, I'm just in no rush. I have a lot more to accomplish before I even start thinking about having kids.

11) I do NOT believe in "The One" nor understand this thing called "Love".

12) I am NOT even remotely financially well off. I'm sorry if I have ever mislead people into believing I had more money than I let on but I'll be the first to admit I am poor. OK I'm not that poor but my level of being classified as poor is higher than most people I know. The times when I have had money is all down to hard work, no 419's or wealthy relatives. All the holidays I go on I work really hard for. No one spoils me so from time to time I spoil myself. Being broke is a sorry state of existence and it is not something I intend to be for much longer.



Hopefully that's cleared a lot of ish up for you. Man you people really had me confused.

Starting All Over Again...

"My mistake was thinking we could pick up where we left off. When I should have realized that we in fact needed to start from the beginning again."

After a night of reflection on my friendships the above quotation was the conclusion I came too when trying to find out why some friendships just did not feel right to me. In this particular instance I'm referring to close friends who, for whatever reason, ceased being close friends but after an indefinite amount of time a reconciliation was reached and you continue on in your friendship.

I have had a lot of these reconciliations.

I make no excuses. I am an extremely difficult person to get along with. This is not the case if we have a professional relationship or are simply acquaintances. But for anyone who I deem worthy enough to enter my inner circle you will undoubtedly see sides of me other people would not- this is true for the majority of people. Unfortunately in my younger days I saw any person I had inducted into my inner circle not valuing the fact that it was, in my eyes, an esteemed position akin to committing the highest treason. It was betrayal. In hindsight I may have been a little bit dramatic. This led to a high turnover of friends being lost, especially with females.

After a period of time some of these friends and I would reconcile. Sometimes it would take a few weeks, sometimes a few months and in some cases a few years. Like I said I'm difficult. But after we had 'made up' things inevitably were not the same. An old friend once told me that after a serious argument between two close friends occurs things can never be the same again. They can either use the experience to become closer and therefore better friends or use the argument as an excuse for the friendship to deteriorate. There are no other alternatives and personally I think she is right Now when you factor in a period of separation things become slightly different. Without realising how naive I was being, I simply behaved as though me and a friend I had reconciled with would just pick up where we left off. Big mistake. Sometimes I was guilty of this gross misconduct and other times it was the friend who was guilty.

Any sensible person after a period of time away from someone should have grown in some way. Whether it be physically, intellectually, spiritually or in any other area, something has to have changed. I now take it as an insult if anyone I haven't seen in a while says I am still exactly the same. It either means I have not progressed or the person is not able to see the change that has been undertaken. So when I felt an eventual 'uneasiness' around a reconciled friend, this was the cause. People change. Or at least they should change, I know a few people who would give Peter Pan a run for his money. The parameters on which you first form a relationship with someone cannot be the same when both parties lose contact and eventually reconcile. Its difficult but a reconciled friend has to be approached in the same way you would deal with an almost totally new person entering your life. That is not to say you won't already have access to information a new friend would not have the pleasure of knowing but it should be understood that this information will no doubt need to be updated.

I know it sounds long, especially when you think you already know the person. But I can say I have a fair number of old friends who I reconciled with but eventually lost contact with again because things were not the same. Its just that back then I was oblivious as to the reason why.

If good friends happen to make their way back into your life, don't miss out on the second chance just because you fail too see its not as simple as just picking up where you left off. You kinda have to start all over again.

Good friendships to all.

Funny New Show

So we've reached that time of year again when BBC Three start showing a whole bunch of new shows. Compared to last years offerings this years is a huge step. From what I remember BBC Three barely takes up many of the shows and most remain as one off pilots. But luckily 'Lee Nelson's Well Good Show' has been scripted for 6 episodes. The pilot I just watched was flipping hilarious and it takes a lot to get me to laugh out with a sketch show. At least its a lot better than that BS James Corden and Matthew Horne show from last year.

Anyway go watch it - iPlayer.

Multi-Talented? Feel A Little Lost Because Of It? Then Read This...

One of the things I love about the Internet is the pure randomness of it. You can be carelessly roaming around the Internet and stumble across a gold nugget. I have found one such nugget.

First off, read this article by the supremely talented Lola Adesioye:

Being free, being me: the dilemma of being multi-talented

Amazing right?

If you are like me, multi-talented and have been feeling kind of 'cursed' recently then this is exactly what we both needed to pick us up.

I often get infuriated when people ask me what field of work I want to go into and I have to reply "I don't know" often to be treated as some lazy bum. I regularly wish I was one of those kids who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up and had spent every subsequent day working towards it. Or to be one of those people who had a singular amazing talent which directed them to their future career. Unfortunately that has never been me. Being from a Nigerian household and being the "stubborn goat" (as my mum says) that I am the mantle of 'Doctor' or 'Lawyer' never really excited. Even though it is almost every Nigerian parent's dream that their offspring goes into one of these two professions. I was determined not to conform. Thankfully, I have a very understanding mum who never pressured me into choosing a career path but also taught me to never rest on my laurels and to work hard and excel at everything I do.

I guess you can say I am "talented" at many things and therefore it should be easy for me to choose from one of these to forge a suitable career out of. But trust me, it just makes it that more difficult.

But this article has inspired me to just do me, and be great in everything I do and to be comfortable with my multi talented splendour.

I suggest you do the same.

The Experiment: Movement One - Denial

With something as delicate as this I understand one must go through a number of stages. For the benefit of the subsequent posts I will be following the stages Ms Badu used on the song 'Green Eyes'.


You are wrong.

I guess what I feel most is disappointment. I am not angry, miserable or heartbroken. I feel a lot of little things but no single one big enough for it to have a word as a feeling. But if I combine all these things together the nearest word I can find in my vocabulary is......disappointment, although even this word is seriously lacking. I'm disappointed in myself, in your "reasons" and how you chose to give up.

I still don't really understand what went wrong. Yeah we'd argue, but who doesn't? Yeah we don't see exactly eye-to-eye but who does? You probably think it was the "noble" thing to do but I feel like you jumped ship first due to you thinking I would possible do it first and that you wouldn't have to deal with the fallout.

Or was it your confusion? Like I said carry on saying you did it for "us" but its clear your motivations were purely selfish. For all the time it took you to finally become serious this how you reward my patience?

I don't even know how to feel, what to write or how to think.
I'm just kinda......disappointed.

The Tables Have Turned

I once remember a certain Ms Julie Adenuga calling me finished because I happened to upload a picture of my bulging bicep on Facebook. I work hard for the body I have because unfortunately I wasn't naturally blessed with a body like Adonis. Irrespective of this she still insisted on calling me FINISHED!

So imagine my excitement when I see this:

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN, EH!

Is Talking About Sex Still Taboo?

One thing I find very odd in such a liberal country with such highly sexualised young people is the inability to REALLY open up about sex. I don't simply mean talking about the act because we all know people who brag about how much play the get, but the deeper and more meaningful things and problems that comes bundled with.

When I catch up with people after enquiring about their health, friends, family, relationships, goals etc. Naturally I start questioning them on their sex life. I believe having a healthy sex life is paramount to having a healthy mental state. In the beginning I was always met with gasps of embarrassment and I wondered, Kini big deal?(What's the big deal? for all my non- Nigerians) But after whomever I was speaking too had gotten over their primary inhibition they would then open up like nobodies business. Like seriously, I couldn't get them too shutup.

I just think its weird I keep hearing:

"You're the only one I can talk too about things like this."

Seriously? People its 2010! What's there to be afraid of? If you have had the pleasure of attending one of my impromptu sex "seminars" then you know I am not afraid to talk about sex. Asking questions does not make you a hoe or a bunje (Thank you Rets for that word,) I see plenty of people clamouring for relationship advice but barely anyone looking for sexual advice? Are we all sexual professionals who don't need any help? I know people have anxieties, fears, questions etc. but it seems people like to front. I have theorized that in our "urban" sub-culture there is a particular sexual behavioural cannon in which we are afraid to venture beyond. If you display a curiosity or preference which is outside this cannon then you are seen as some sort deviant. (This is true of wider society as a whole but for the purposes of this post I'm just dealing with my generation and the environment we operate within). And the proprietors to this are usually the least mature,least intellectual and extremely obtuse individuals among us. But yet they serve as judges when it comes to what is sexually acceptable. This why such terms such as "bow cat" are still propagated today.

Lets be real fellas. The majority of us have suffered from performance anxiety. We have not been able to keep it up for hours as we're expected too. We're a little prone to cumming a little quicker than we would like. We're afraid to ask our partners to incorporate something new into the bedroom or we might feel we don't quite meet the grade when it comes to the "bulge in your boxers" department. I understand a lot of us are not mature enough to allow a forum for people to ask such questions but its time for a change.

Lets be real ladies. A lot of you are probably self conscious about your bodies, you might not feel as experienced as your partner. You are probably afraid of giving "head" or you're not too confident in your "riding" skills. I meet too many of you that are even afraid to acknowledge you have masturbated. Like someone once told me, "...be wary of anyone who vehemently denies that they masturbate."

I am proud to be many of my friends sexual confidante. I am always on hand to give advice, tips or just being the available owner of ears that will listen with an open mind without any judgement. This is not to say I am some kind of sexual guru or anything but I like to think I'm well informed enough to be adult about sex. I am only 22 and although I have been having sex for a number of years now I can honestly say I have only really started to understand what sex really is over last year or so. (Hopefully my mum will never read this blog). It's abundantly clear from the stuff that I have heard, that many people just do not know what they are doing and get bad advice from equally less knowledgeable people. I've realised as soon as you make people feel comfortable about what they are curious about they gain a new found confidence, instead of labelling them as a deviant. Besides I meet way too many females who say they have been "licked out" but I have never met a guy who has admitted to doing it. The numbers don't add up people - be real. Don't act like you've never been curious when it comes to giving "head" to a male or female.

So what I'm really saying is to not be afraid to ask about anything when it comes to sex. I guess you just need to find someone who is adult enough to talk about it with. I'm sure all the people I have given tips too have been satisfied with what I have shared with them. You'd be surprised how many people think they are having great sex when it is merely adequate at best.

What's there to be scared of? As long as you have a caring and understanding partner who is not afraid to explore and experiment when it comes to sex then who cares what anybody else thinks.

Disclaimer: This was not intended as a piece of empowerment literature for females who are a little too liberal when it comes to opening their legs or the guys whose life goal is to reach the glorious "I've slept with 1000 females" mark. If you are one of these people please disregard everything I have written. This is purely for the people who want to be mature and open minded when it comes to sex and build upon it. It is one of my goals to improve the quality of the "sex pool" for everyone.

Wishing great sex lives to all my readers.

(Especially Jodie aka Jay Emty because I know she is my biggest fan).

11 Songs That Will Definitely Make You Fall Into A Downward Spiral Of Depression If Kept On Repeat After A Breakup

I love music, I love it, I love it, I love it. Doesn't matter what genre it is, as long as I like it thats all that matters which is why I was heavily into Empire of The Sun last year. But this isn't about my love of music and what it means to me, although I'm sure that post is coming soon. Now because I love music so much it is constantly playing in my room so when my zombie of a phone does actually ring I'm usually met with the callous utterance "Can you turn down your music please! Gosh your such a freak." Don't these people understand that when I'm told to turn down MY music it is akin to asking me to stab myself in the heart? I DON'T CARE IF IT IS LOUD, I LOVE IT! In secondary school I used to flip out like the guy in 'There's Something About Mary' whenever anyone even came near to my headphones. People had to first get my attention and then have my permission to carefully remove my headphones, say what they needed to say, and then carefully slot them back into my ears. That's how seriously I took music. Anti-social I know but I had serious issues as a teenager and music was my only form of escapism.

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. Recently I have noticed a trend when I'm on the phone to my friends and they say "Why are you playing that song? It sounds so depressing. Long gone are the days (16/TONYA- if you don't know read my old posts) when I listened to music and it got me depressed over someone that I couldn't have. But I'll take inspiration for me to share music to the world in whatever form it may come. So here are 10 songs that if left on repeat will leave you in a deranged state after you have just been broken up with...

1) Brian McKnight - Anytime




2) Kem - I Can't Stop Loving You




3) Eric Roberson - Pen Just Cries Away




4) Usher - You Got It Bad




5) Daft Punk - Something About Us




6) Floetry - Hey You




7) Erykah Badu - Green Eyes




8) Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love




9) Jill Scott - Cross My Mind




10) Andre 3000 - She Lives In My Lap




11) Musiq - Halfcrazy



12) Ok I lied there is one last song guaranteed to tip you over the edge to insanity, but its not a definitive song I can simply place in this list. The last song is "your song". Whatever song which belonged to you and the person you split from, you know "your song". For me it used to be Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning and that's not even a depressing song...and that's the point. Nothing can bring forth stronger memories or emotions than this last song. So be careful, I don't need to be the catalyst for people being institutionalised. Although these songs are depressing and do put you into a kind of melancholy state I truly believe that songs like these also help you to heal. Through all the pain, regardless of whether you acknowledge it or not, you are simultaneously healing.

C'est la vie.

The Experiment

Over the last two years I have had many encounters with the opposite sex and the majority of them have always ended the same. The female in question after a period of time would always express her dissatisfaction about how little she really knew about me. That is not to say she knew nothing at all but there was very little she knew past the superficial. All this was very intentional and I never let any female get to know me past a certain point. Most likely this was just to protect myself. This ultimately led to the female becoming disillusioned and dissolving the promising relationship. Which never really bothered me because I never really cared. So after having this same conversation numerous times with numerous females over the last two years I kinda got a little pissed off. What did these females really want me? If you know me; you know I am not the bastion for the purity of relationships. I am firmly grounded in reality and past the glaringly obvious; I still do not see what real purpose relationships serve. But I've already blogged about that.

After having a string of debates about my "relationship practices" my defence was that I always felt that if I ever really opened up to a female she wouldn't be able to handle the real me. This was my defence and I stood by it. A lot of people can barely handle me as it is so what would happen if I revealed every facet of my complicated psyche to a solitary female? I gathered that it would just lead to a whole bunch of problems which I wasn't prepared to deal with. But this was based on nothing but assumption. The prosecution (my friends) rightly countered by arguing that before I come to such a conclusion that maybe I should actually take a chance and open up to someone and see if they truly can handle me, instead of deciding for them that they can't without even giving them an adequate chance. My immediate reaction that this was nothing short of blasphemy in the court of 'me'. Back then I thought it was a ludicrous idea - just shows how much more growing I have to do, which is a lot.

But my defence was slowly chipped away at and I was left with a single question to face:

"How long are you going to keep doing the same experiment but still keep expecting the result to somehow be different?"

Seriously, what was I expecting?
For Einstein this was the very definition of madness and I ain't trying to be mad out here. So I decided to proceed onto a different experiment - to finally let a female get to know the real me, with the outcome hopefully leading to an exclusive committed adult sexual relationship. All that I needed was a willing test subject.

The experiment lasted approximately seven months. To put it simply it failed. My assumptions were confirmed. But positives can be taken from it. My methodology needs a bit of tweaking but I'm not going to use the findings of this single experiment as justification to revert to the old me. But failure is still a kick in the teeth.

The following posts will be me trying to deal with this failure. . .

My Tunes Of The Month

Alicia Keys Feat. Drake - Unthinkable Remix




Chris Brown Feat. Tyga & Kevin McCall - Deuces



Ludacris Feat. Trey Songz - Sex Room



Lil Wayne - Single



Black Ice Feat. Jen Jen - Don't Touch



Young Money - Ms Parker

A Catch Up Session With Mr Ogundare

On a chance encounter I recently got to catch up with the often elusive Mr Ogundare, the controversial writer of the blog 'Mikez World'. I saw this as a golden opportunity to pick one of the most uncensored and unpolitically correct minds our generation has to offer.

MJ: So Mr Ogundare, its been a very long time you have blessed us with your thoughts. Why exactly did you leave the blogging world?

Mikez: (Shamefully laughs) I didn't really leave, I would call it an extended sabbatical. It was a mixture of things really. I came back from my holidays a new person but had to readjust to living in the real world with no safety net. Other things just took priority and writing just really wasn't on my mind. After a while it was just laziness amongst other things, but I was always going to return. There is only so long I can shut myself up for

MJ: Yes, it does seems that the few posts you did write before your "sabbatical" they showed a lot of self reflection. Was there a lot of upheaval in your life at this time?

Mikez: Upheaval seems like too strong a word but there was definitely change. While I was away on holiday I realised for the first time in three years I didn't have work, deadlines, dissertation or exams to worry about. While surrounded by the love of my family friends in America I just took the time out to really take a long, deep look at myself. There were a lot of things I did not like about myself in terms of my behaviour and attitude. I also thought I was too dependent on certain things and certain people so it was time for a change. Me putting my thoughts on my blog has always been a way for me to verbalise mt thoughts. But with this it was something more, it was somewhat cathartic. It helped ease me into the transition I was going through.

MJ: Sounds deep.

Mikez: It was. But it was great. I think I had resumed the journey I had started a number of years ago but had to pause during my time at Uni but now I feel like I'm right back on track. Back on the road to being the man people always knew I could be.

MJ: So what exactly have you been up to with your more refined self?

Mikez: I've just been doing everything that makes me happy really. I have been keeping fit and signed up to my local gym, reading as much as I can and strengthening my relationships with my friends and family. I've been building up my contacts and have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing people over the last few months. I've been volunteering in my community and help teach kids from the ages of 9-14 basketball twice a week in Finsbury Park. I also started playing American football again and I currently play for the London Blitz who are the current National Champions, all this while looking for work. Doing a little but of everything really, I guess the only thing was missing was me writing again as it is one of my passions.

MJ: You have been real busy. So you just weren't laying at home doing nothing then?

Mikez: LOL. I was for a while but I'm a very active guy, I'm always going find something to do eventually.

MJ: So what books have you been reading?

Mikez: For some reason I've been very interested in Black psychologists at the moment and their thoughts on colonialism and racism. Dr Frances Cress Welsing's 'The Isis Papers' and Franz Fanon's 'Black Skin White Masks' have dominated my time. Two amazing books but sometimes very controversial and hard to understand but I'm always trying to expand my knowledge base.

MJ: And what about your love life? I know people are always interested in that.

Mikez: People ain't interested in that. I'm perennially single anyway so there is no love life to talk about anyway.

MJ: It was wonderful catching up with you Michael and hopefully we'll be seeing some new posts by you very soon.

Mikez: You definitely will!