While I was catching up on the few debate/discussion pages I am fan of on Facebook I came across something very interesting. I detest the mass numbers of newly made 'Facebook philosopher's' opinions I have to read on a daily basis but once in a while you come across someone who actually has a good critique of social behaviour that it makes me want to stand and clap in front of my laptop screen. Also because I have been struggling with ideas for posts at the moment this was great inspiration. The discussion had to do with the supposed problem between black men and women having successful relationships.
"Among other things, the problem is the psychopathic game of impression management that's played between the genders. Everybody presents themselves as either flawless or flawed-less. Every failed relationship they've ever had is always because of the other person. Very few people own up to their own personal role in damaged relationships. And when people in front of us present themselves in this way, we usually take it as "wow, this person is quite a catch". We don't realize that we're the next contestant and predesignated winner of the "it's all your fault" competition."
This short but amazing passage really struck a chord within me because I was so guilty of this same kind of impression management that it made me extremely embarrassed. Humans are beings that will always try to exonerate themselves of blame or fault when it comes to any given situation, especially relationships. It's very hard for a person to raise their hand and admit when something was their fault. I mean it's blindingly obvious why people don't, especially when it comes to relationships. We all seem to ride the excuse bandwagon from time to time. How seriously would you take someone who openly admitted to their defects and mistakes when it came to their previous engagements with the opposite sex? The thing is, aside from the obviously psychotic, people who do this honestly should be commended. Doing such a thing shows development and acknowledgement of prior mistakes with the intent of correcting them. Long gone are the days when I used to portray myself as almost perfect, my track record with females renders that implausible. I always say that the first thing that would cross my mind if I met a seemingly amazing female who was single would not be "wow I'm so lucky" but "What are you hiding from me? Because someone so amazing can't possibly be single for no reason, she must be crazy." Unfortunately I failed to look at my self in the same cynical light. I'm not crazy or anything but I have my fair share of flaws that have led to the dissolution of a few relationships.
So because I love my blog and I keep no secrets from her; here is a list of some of my flaws that have led to my repeated failures in relationships. Yes I'm going to be brave and raise my hand up.
My emotional unavailability. This is probably my biggest flaw. I don't know why but I have a problem accessing and thus expressing my emotions. I find it even harder to provide emotional support for people. I am not the person to come to if you need some consolation or pity. Unfortunately most females need this emotional support for any potential relationship to blossom, so you see my dilemma. But the females I encounter are happy at first to wait for the emotional and settle for the physical as a temporary substitute. But like my youth spent waiting for Santa... it never comes. I portray myself to be an open book but I have recently admitted to myself that I'm never really open when it counts. I guess certain females that walked away from me figured this out before I did.
My sometimes hectic schedule. My life switches between being slow a serene to fast and hectic without a moments notice. For this reason I often find it hard to squeeze females I am seeing into my weekly plans. I have a clear set of priorities and I am not known to clear my schedule just to see someone, I would already have to be free which is difficult because I am rarely given advance warning when I need to travel somewhere. I guess if I had to sum up it would be my inability to be flexible. Being honest, in my list of priorities females are not at the top of it. Neither are they in the middle.
My laid back attitudes when it comes to argumentsSupposedly getting angry shows you care? Anyway, my laissez faire attitude has led to many less than amicable relationship terminations.
My close female friends. I seem to friend zone females very easily (Yes, guys can do the friend zone thing as well) just to save everyone some trouble. Out of these I have come to acquire some of my closest and most trusted confidantes. Somehow some females become confused when they see I have numerous relationships with females that are purely platonic and they start becoming a little paranoid. My female friends are also impossibly hard to please and any choice I make on a potential partner is never the right one. Where I messed up was explicitly telling potentials that there was a hierarchy and for the foreseeable future my female friends in most situations would come before them. Next time I know just to keep my mouth shut and deal with things on an individual basis rather than indirectly make a female think she has no chance in ever getting close to me.
I'm kind of a Freudian. I have often been criticised for over thinking situations. Due to my psychological background and high level of education I can't help but look at things from angles people wouldn't realise to think from. Sometimes I can't help but psychoanalyse someone. I often get carried away and create situations for no reason.
My reluctance to give in to unreasonable demands. I often see my friends in their relationships give into to the silliest of demands all in the name of "compromise". My friend Eric had something to say about this word. I agree it is an essential part of any relationship but there is a difference between compromise and giving into neurotic insecurities. I strongly believe that any silly behaviour that isn't immediately discouraged is encouraged. Before you know it you would have stopped talking to all your friends just because your partner asked you too. Nonsense.
Unfortunately I am a firm advocate of "it's either my way or the highway..." it is the one area I can honestly say I am a control freak.
I'm not the "Break up, make up" type. This is pretty self explanatory. I'm more of a "You only get one chance" type of guy. There is a word associated with a couple that everyone else can see should just call it quits - Weaklings. And I'll be damned if I ever become such a person. Unfortunately I could have potentially lost out on some great relationships just because of my stubborn refusal to fight for a female.
That's it for now. Can't be bothered to look at myself in such a critical light any longer. I urge all my readers to "raise their hands" and admit to the things they had done that led to certain relationships never working out. Obviously you don't have to do it in such a public way of course.
Sidenote: For the purposes of this post the term "relationship" has been used very loosely to describe any interaction I have had with a female that started with the desire to get to know each other and hoped it would lead to something more. I have no problem meeting females, it just never gets to the actual relationship stage. I don't want you guys thinking I'm one of those insecure serial daters who is afraid to be alone. I have only ever been in one proper relationship and the less said about that the better.
Peace out.
