I Would Have Been In Love By Now If It Wasn't for T.O.N.Y.A

First off a couple of months ago I was really feeling this song by Solange called T.O.N.Y.





Anyway the song is about not letting go of someone and how it impacts on you, in Solange's case the guys name is Tony which is actually an acronym for The Other Night whY?


So while listening to the song I started thinking back to my own T.O.N.Y.A.
(Closest female name I could think of to TONY cos saying TONY would just be gay and just to set the record straight I do not have any friends that are named Tonya either).

If you know me then you of my controversial views about relationships and how I do not feel I will ever get married and I honestly do not mind if I spend the rest of my life alone. I am known for being notoriously picky and extremely hard to please and not showing an ounce of compassion when it comes to the opposite sex. As you may have guessed it was all because I met Tonya. I was young, naive and just became obsessed with this female who I just had to make mine even though I knew I couldn't have her. Needless to say I still embarked on a forbidden relationship with Tonya and it doesn't take a genius to guess that it ended with my heart being torn to shreds.......................allow me I was 16.

So I guess for a long time I just never recovered form my initial heartbreak which led to the aforementioned behaviour. In all honestly I was just protecting myself from being hurt again, I'm human, it was a natural reaction.

It took me a long time to get over Tonya, and after many failed interactions with females and one extremely disastrous relationship I saw no reason to change the way I thought about relationships. I saw them as a waste of time and I just felt that when I observed relationships form the outside in it just seemed most of them were boring run of the mill, routine, predictable exclusive associations where the two parties involved had just conformed to a tired stereotype that they couldn't even pretend to act out properly. I still question if there is any such actual thing as love. So even if I was getting to know a female I would always shelter my emotions and restrict how much they actually got to know me. This led to the females in question getting irritated that I never let them in and they subsequently faded out of my existence. I can't blame them, I'm a hard person to get along with.


But there is a hope for me yet people. After various conversations with various people I came to realise that I was using the experience with Tonya as a shield to hide behind. One friend put it bluntly that I was just being a"coward". I was too afraid to put myself out there again. I mean the whole point of pursuing a relationship is that you accept the gamble you might get hurt.

I finally feel ready to take the gamble and actually start letting people in. I don't know what became of Tonya or neither do I care. I probably would have been in love by now if it wasn't for Tonya. But I've been over you for a few years now but your ghost still haunted me. But I have now exorcised the demon you left within me.

Don't get me wrong; I still have a lot of problems about relationships- I'm just finally ready to do something about it.